Skydiving to Freedom

After reading this post you all know how seriously I have taken my promise to live the best damn life that I could. I don’t just get to live in memory of Evan but also to create memories of my own with people I care about. For my 16^th birthday Evan wanted to take my skydiving. It was always a dream of his and what better time to do it than the present (for a present), right? I thought it was a fantastic idea and begged my parents to sign for me. Surprise, surprise, they wouldn’t. What great parents they are! (I’m not being sarcastic there, I really feel like that was a great decision.) Then came the years of putting it off – first I would do it when I turned 18, then it was turning 21, then it was college graduation, then it was a moving away celebration. I had plenty of reasons to go but the excuses behind them were holding me back. If I’m honest, the fear of getting into a small plane was holding me on the ground – and tight. (Since the accident anyone who has held my hand in an airplane or has had to suffer through me nagging for you to text me as soon as you land will understand a tiny bit of my fear.)

So what made me decide to want to do it this time? Well, first, it’s on my bucket list. And I really love crossing things off lists. Second, I finished graduate school and got a job. That’s a reason to celebrate. Third, I have been single for officially one year straight and love the full life I live. Being happy and content is never a good enough reason for being stagnant and settling. I needed to do this. It was time to do it. For Evan. For me.

I made a reservation, laid down a deposit, kept my mouth shut, didn’t tell my parents, and waited patiently to jump out of an airplane. I was going skydiving! I was so focused on work that before I knew it the day had arrived and I was in Orange, VA pulling into a small airport.

Then I was signing and initialing more times than I can count and more words than I can remember but I know one thing – it said I could die!

I went through a roller coaster of emotions while I was waiting and had a great friend willing to put up with me. One of the most defining moments of the trip was when we were suited up waiting for our final harness and I started crying. I was looking at the tiny planes and thinking of how brave I needed to be. I told Tom in that moment I could feel Evan with me which made me cry even more. He asked what that felt like and my automatic response was “safe.” I was about to jump 13,500 feet out of an airplane to free fall at 120 miles per hour for 55 seconds and all I could feel was safe. It felt right. I was in exactly where I needed to be with one friend smiling next to me and another smiling down on me. Then I got really pumped up! I was jumping around, clapping my hands, swinging my arms. My nervous energy turned into just plain energy! 

Of course it was perfect timing for the clouds to roll in and make us wait two hours. We were just sitting around, pacing around, moping around. So we grabbed the chance to eat at a local gas station for lunch. (It was the biggest let down!... I mean the waiting was a let down, I didn't have high hopes the gas station.)

As we were taking the last bite, we got the call. The clouds had cleared and we were on deck to be the next flight out! With a mad dash back to the airport there was no time to be nervous or brave. I just needed to survive now. Take off was scary for me but once we made it into the air I was at peace and in the zone.

Words can hardly describe the exhilaration that comes with skydiving out of an aircraft. I’m not even sure I can try.

After free falling I deployed the parachute at 6000 feet and we floated down so serenely. I told Chris, my instructor (who was the most wonderful man), that I felt like I visited Heaven today. And he said, “In a way you did, I know your friend is with you and is very proud.” After landing safely with two feet on the ground and being unharnessed from Chris I turned right around to give him a huge hug. Tom watched me land from the sky and I was able to watch him land from the ground each within a minute of the other but what was really amazing is that the plane that took up us landed long before we hit the ground. In fact, I watched the plane I jumped out of land and safely too! I conquered a huge fear that day. I’m sure I still won’t like it when my loved ones fly, especially in small planes, but I know that by looking for accidents and reasons to be scared I still can’t prevent them from happening. Here is the first picture we took after landing.

On the other side of fear is freedom. I need to look more for the moments I can reign in my fear and feel Evan’s safe presence so I can continue doing the things that scare me. Life scares me but this adventure is so worth it! I would say the exact same thing about skydiving too!

One Month Anniversary

I just read all the posts I had on this blog from June 2012. One year ago. One year ago I was finishing up summer orientations at the University of Pikeville. Wow, one year ago doesn’t seem so different from today. Haha, except that is hilarious! Today is so different! But first…

I want to take a minute to look back one month ago. Not so long ago on May 15^th I began my first full day of work at UPIKE. I jumped into training SOAR leaders on day one. (They are orientation leaders.) There were 10 students staring up at me watching my next move, plus the graduate intern (gee, that position seems familiar) waiting to see what I was like. We all survived training and then tackled the next three weeks of six consecutive two day overnight programs. (This sounds so simple as I state it here, but if you know orientation, if you know college campuses, then you know, it’s not.) Along the way we became a team. To quote the students, “We are all like a family.” And really, I couldn't agree more.

They are my family.

So one short month ago I was the new girl and tonight, June 15th, I sat at the head of the table with my SOAR family as we celebrated the closing of our sessions. We came full circle and it was really special to look back on it all. I have time to figure out the details and changes later but tonight I got to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and success. Which was so much sweeter shared over delicious barbecue, silly gift exchanges, and lots of hugs goodbye.

I still have lots to work on even with orientation programs being tied up for the time being… until August. I am anxious to get started cracking down on my to-do list which is drawn on a white board in my office. Just looking at it my visitors become overwhelmed! I also want to take some time to personalize my office space and move in some of my own things (Like the wonderful picture above the staff had framed for me. My pride and joy!) and figure out what the heck is even in the drawers and closet space I have. But time for myself is important too. Next weekend is a big weekend for me! Can’t wait to update you afterwards! Let’s just say, even though my SOAR staff isn’t around, I am not about to let my life get boring. I’m going to take the words, “Let’s get ready to SOAR,” to the next level!

Beauty in the Breakdown

I was reading over some things that I journaled awhile go. In it I asked myself if I was struggling. This stemmed from the many quotes found mainly on Pinterest but really, anywhere. You might have heard the song, “Let Go,” (with the telling line “there is beauty in the breakdown”) or have seen the phrase, “The struggle is part of the story,” or perhaps even read the leadership book, “Strength in the Struggle.” I know I didn’t stumble upon a new feeling or come up with an original idea. People have hard times and become stronger because of them. People hurt but would go through all the pain again because those moments of joy in the journey are worth it. It’s difficult to see the logic in the moment though so quotes and songs and stories like these help us to push on. The right people remind us it’s okay to jump into that messy situation because in the end everything will be okay. (If you have time to reflect, listen to this song, or just let it play while you read.)

So my original question, am I struggling? At the time I had a very broken heart paired with a very resilient spirit. My poor mind had a difficult time figuring out where I fit between the two. Every day was a battle ping pong match going back and forth between grieving for what was and searching for what is. That isn’t even taking into account dreaming about what would be. So yes, I think I was struggling, but no, I don’t think that was a bad thing. In fact, I think my struggle was kind of beautiful.

If something doesn’t go wrong, how do you know when it is right? The art of true appreciation and the gift of feeling genuine gratitude can be unearthed in those defining moments when you finally make sense of the pain. I’m tired of acting like suffering is a weakness. It is okay to hurt! (In fact, I wrote a whole post about that already.) The test of tribulation is what forms us and shapes us and allows us to say, “I think I like who I am becoming.” But only if that test is faced with determination, hope, courage. The struggle, the breakdown, is able to take over when we give in to despair and wallow in the what-would-have-been’s. Don’t let that be you. Be brave.

I’m talking a lot about what I have learned from previous problems but none of this would be relevant if I wasn’t struggling now. And I am, I can admit that. I’m not afraid to push through this breakdown and build myself up higher than before. After all, I live in Pikeville now, the city that moves mountains. The history of this town is fitting as I continuously work on making a life here. Where else would I get to enjoy a tire blow out competition to wrap up Muscle on Main on a Friday night? Or drive by a woman on the side of the road with a sign that reads “pot belly pigs” and a crate full of them in front of her to prove it? Or be greeted by decorated bears at every corner? (A park ranger bear helped me at City Hall and this here Friend of Coal, I couldn’t pass up.) Or have a majestic view of the great state of Kentucky from atop a mountain in Virginia? I can’t think of anywhere else that I would be able to try all of these things, build a future, and be this happy struggling to do it.

 

Behind in Life

I’ve been wanting to blog for awhile now but work is so AMAZING that it feels like I don’t have time. (This really isn’t true since I just finished season 1 of One Tree Hill this past week. Ugh, Netflix.) I’m just getting used to starting my life here in Pikeville. I’ve been pushing myself to meet people and maybe go out of my way to put forth more effort to hear someone’s story. I love the students that I work with! They have the biggest personalities and the way they work with incoming freshman and their families – even bigger hearts. I am so proud to know them!

While I’m still living on campus and have more than my fair share of crazy stories to go along with it (I got hit by a car while sitting in my lawn chair outside! And I use a cooler as a refrigerator. You know, normal life.) I am pleased to announce that I signed a lease on an apartment in town. I won’t be moving in until mid-July but it’s a relief to know that I have a place to call my own here. It is a spacious two-bedroom with a back patio and some private lawn area as well. There is also a washer/dryer hook up in the kitchen – maybe a little odd – but it will be so nice having a place to do laundry without carting it all around town like I am doing now. I was panicked for a little bit so thank you to everyone who prayed I’d find the perfect place. My landlord is 85 years old and has enough stories to fill two lifetimes. I like listening to him and think I’ll be very happy there.

I tweeted the other day about how I ironed my dress with a hair straightener, ate Easy Mac for dinner, and still live in a residence hall. At the time I was cracking up about it but later it made me think about my life and where I am in the process of “growing up.” Lots of my friends are in serious relationships, getting married, maybe even thinking about starting families – if they don’t have babies already! Sprinkling salt and pepper on my macaroni and cheese in a microwavable cup I had a moment where I felt so far behind. I felt not adult enough or mature enough or put together enough. (I wonder if some of this comes from starting a new job, being a new employee, and let’s face it, being a YOUNG professional.) I didn’t really know what to do with this feeling until I talked to a friend today.

First, I have a job career I am crazy about. They prepare you all through grad school that you might not get your dream job right away but most days I feel like I am living in a dream. I am so lucky! Which brings me to my second point, I spent two years earning a Master’s degree! What an accomplishment! I need to give myself more credit for how hard I worked to get to where I am. If I had never taken the internship at UPIKE last summer I would not be here now. Which reminds me of my friend’s point… I’m getting to it… I asked him if he ever felt like I was feeling – behind on growing up, like I was going to miss my chance. He asked me to think back a year and pay attention to all the things that are different about myself and my life. All I could think was that even though I was living in the exact same city last year at this time so much has changed since then. He reminded me that every year from now on things will continue to change and I will change with them. It doesn’t mean I am behind, it just means I am on my own path. I happen to think I am pretty awesome and I love who I am, but I really believe I am a better version of myself than I was a year ago.

While out on my own path every day I have the opportunity to become who I want to be. What a liberating feeling this is! I am creating a life and a world custom designed around me and my needs, full of people who care, and devoid of people who don’t. Right now I am working hard on learning my new role and figuring out a new university. Every day I choose to learn. Another perfect example: Every night I think that I should start working out or eating healthier (although when all you have is a microwave to cook with, it isn’t easy!) but I always make excuses (see what I did up there with the microwave?). Excuses are just that – excuses. They are me taking a day I have to make a change, to be different, to make this year worth it, and wasting it. I guess it comes down to, when I look back on this a year from now, what choice will I have hoped I made? And not just about exercising either – I'm talking about living! Truly living.

Pikeville, KY

I haven’t quite been here a week yet and maybe living here last summer has made things familiar so it hasn’t set in but it is official. It has even changed on Facebook so you know it’s official! I have moved from JMU, the happiest place on earth, and my wonderful apartment in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia to…. you guessed it… Pikeville, Kentucky. I’ve jumped into a picture perfect new position at the University of Pikeville and am so excited to throw myself into work I believe is meaningful and life changing – for students and for myself. I would do what I do for free because I really love it that much – but money is nice to have and I feel so lucky that someone wants to pay me to live out my passion!

With that being said, there are some growing pains that come with changes. At first I thought it was just me but after thinking about it, every new phase in life is going to challenge you. Even if I am living out my dream job I am prepared for some of the difficulties that might come along with it. For example, right now I am living on campus in a renovated motel turned residence hall. I know how fortunate I am to have the amenities I do but I sure am looking forward to having my own apartment once again. And I really miss my neighbors and friends and roommate from where I lived before. It’s a bittersweet mixture of emotions. I’m embracing the different-ness that I’ve found here so far but Pikeville isn’t home in my heart yet. I know it will be one day. Harrisonburg didn’t become home until the friends I had there turned into family. Right now I don’t have friends or family here! They are 3 or 4.5 hours away though which is a very easy drive if I get too lonely. After I truly get settled I will be anxiously awaiting visitors!

I’m prepared to take risks to build relationships though because I know how worth it they can be.  If any of you remember the 30 seconds of courage I used last fall to introduce myself to two attractive graduate students you’ll be happy to know that both of them are now very dear and special friends. In fact, one of them recently wrote in a graduation card that by being brave and meeting new people “you never know who might just end up at your door.” It has been a huge comfort during the times I’ve put myself out there or at least while mentally preparing to put myself out there when a situation presents itself. I have never been as open to life without a plan as I am in this moment right now. I feel confident that as soon as I stop worrying about it life is going to happen.

As many times as I try to explain what I do, it’s still hard for people to understand sometimes. Especially when I get to go to work dressed in themed attire and hang out with the coolest people. The pictures below are from my first three days – Superhero, 1980s, and UPIKE Pride! I am looking forward to updating you on more of my unplanned and uncharted adventures! Stay tuned – I have a feeling my life is about to get real good.

And here are just a few rays of sunshine that I took when I stopped by NKY the weekend before I moved.

PS - I wanted to share this small victory with you all. My left brake light and my left front turn signal light in my car have both burnt out. 1) I hate driving with something wrong with my car and don't want to give the police a reason to pull me over. 2) When your blinker is out it goes extra fast on the inside of the car and it's annoying! So today I set out to change both those lights. I told the guy at AutoZone what I needed and went on my way. I set up my iPad with Ke$ha Pandora playing and popped the trunk and the hood and went to work. After a little fidgeting and pulling and twisting my hand into too small spaces (I have no idea how men with bigger hands do it!) I successfully changed both of the broken lights! Right as I slammed the hood shut "Die Young" began to play and I broke out into a dance right in the parking lot of the residence hall. I was so happy! A student caught me and shouted "Wow, I wish I was in a good mood too!" and I replied, "Heck yea, I'm in a good mood. I just replaced two lights on my own!" He ran over right away, high fived me, and said, "That and your dance is reason enough for me to be in a good mood too!" It's the little things :)

Love Potion #9

I used to have a theory on love that I spread around to some sorority sisters in college. It was actually a theory I came up with in high school, I just didn’t have a title for it until college. I expertly called it the “One Day Theory.” I believed that it was possible to have that one person that you were meant to spend the rest of your life with but that you and that one person just couldn’t be together for whatever reason right now – you needed one day to make it happen. In between now and one day you would date other people and learn about yourself, experience life along the way but the whole time you’d know it was all for one day. That one day when you could be together and everything would finally be perfect. It was like a movie – you know the film I’m talking about - a couple separates for 5 or more years but when they get back together their time is right and one day happens. I had a one day person once. I know friends who had one days too. I didn’t realize until now how cliché we were sitting around our dorm rooms, drawing hearts in notebooks (okay, that didn’t really happen but just to illustrate a point), crying and laughing about stories from the past and how that one day person might fit into our futures.

As time went on our one days weren’t getting any closer, in fact, for some of us, our one days weren’t even a possibility anymore. We held on to the theory for each other thinking if we believed hard enough our romantic fairy tales would come true. In the meantime we fell in and out of love with other sweethearts, experienced happiness and held each other through heartbreak. As we worked through other relationships I began to take note of common themes, remarks we kept going back to – you have all heard them before – “The timing was off. I was ready but he/she wasn’t. In another time or place it might have worked out. He/she seemed perfect but it just wasn’t meant to be… right now.”

This led to the creation of a new theory; I call it the “Some Day Theory.” (It is completely based on no scientific evidence or practices but feel free to quote me on it – or question it, I’d love to talk about it.) Having a some day person leaves the possibilities open to anyone! You aren’t waiting and set for that one person to fit into the one special place you have set aside. The Some Day Theory is all about there being thousands of “right” people for you out in the world. You never know who is right for you, in fact, there are endless possibilities of who is right for you. Woah, takes some pressure off of having to find “the one,” doesn’t it? So there is no right person, there are lots of right people. The thing that sets it all up to last a lifetime is the right place and the right time mixed with this right person. To make it work it all has to be there. It gets even more complicated when you realize that it just can’t be my right time and my right place but the other person’s as well. In my last relationship I truly believed he was the right person and we were in the right time and as soon as I moved back home we would be in the right place. For whatever his reasons were – I wasn’t the right person (or he didn’t feel that he was the right person) and even if I felt like it was my time, it wasn’t his. And let's not even get started on place!

Looking at some of my attempts at dating since then, fitting pieces of relationships into the pattern of “right person, right time, right place” has helped me understand why my Prince Charming hasn’t swept me off my feet just yet. Leave it to me to turn something completely based on feeling and emotion into something logical and practical. This takes away all of the questioning “What could I have done differently? What could have I done better? What is wrong with me?” Nothing, absolutely nothing, it just wasn’t the right some day material for both parties involved.

On the end of this note, I also feel I need to add a teeny tiny shout out to myself and many wonderful friends for graduating JMU with Master’s degrees! Yay! I treated my graduation day slightly like a wedding day for the single smart independent woman that I am! I got my nails done, practiced hairstyles in my cap, picked out the perfect dress, and had many loved ones surrounding me. I am so proud of this degree and can’t wait to put it to use. I’m so amazingly happy doing exactly what I was designed to be doing and my some day will come… one day. J

The Waiting Game

The worst part is laying down at night. For some people, climbing into bed is the best part of their evenings. They are tired and worn out and physically exhausted. They can’t wait to lay their head down and fall asleep. Other people don’t even need to climb into bed. They can close their eyes and dose off no matter where they are. Laying down and falling asleep are synonymous to them. Not me. No, not me. Laying down is when it all begins. In the dark and the quiet with the blankets pulled up to my chin, my pillow crooked under my arm and my sweatshirt held tight in my hand I lay down and wait. I wait for sleep to take over. I squeeze my eyes shut tight and clench my fists around fabric, waiting. When that doesn’t work I try to be as still and relaxed as possible. One might think I am buried under all my pillows but I loosen up my muscles so much I need the pillows to support my head in the right position. The right position for what? Waiting? What is it I am waiting for? Is there a protocol for this?

Calling it anxiety seems so medical, so scripted, so dramatic, so cliché. Let me explain the waiting instead. I hope sleep will take me before my thoughts creep in but lately, that hasn’t been possible. So I wait. I start to think of what my life might be like in a new city, making new friends, learning a new job. I start to think of how I might introduce myself to old friends and acquaintances if I come home for a visit. “Oh yes, well I moved to Virginia for graduate school and now I live in ____________. I work at a university there. What is it that you do?” The last question is important. I practice that over and over. I need to ask that to whoever I am talking to because I don’t have all the answers to explain what they might try to ask me. Do I like it? Am I happy? Where are my favorite places to eat? How has it been meeting people? Don’t you miss your family? Was it worth it to move away? How long have you been gone?

During the day I have all of the answers but at night I wait, tossing and turning, for the right words to come. I’m not a person who makes choices based on gut feelings very often but even if I could feel something maybe I could stop waiting. I start to remember what my life was like before. Before graduate school, sometimes before college even. I remember what it was like before I had a dream for my future. I think of the friends who I laughed with and where they might be now. I reminisce of old boyfriends, what our lives were like, and how they might be if we were still together. What if we had fought instead and I didn’t go away that day? What if I had ruined cutting his hair again, like he knew I would, and he brought me with him? What if I had said no? What if I had said yes? What if he ever even asked at all?

During the day I never wish my life to be any different than it is but as I wait the what ifs haunt me and I fall deeper and deeper into the trap of questioning who I am and where I have been and what I am doing. The good news is that I eventually fall so deep, so far into this other world I have created out of hopes and memories and fears and fate, that it finally happens. I fall asleep. I never remember it taking over. I never feel the peace of being at rest. I fall into my life-like nightmare and stay there until I wake up. In the morning I shake my head and wonder, “Did this really happen another night in a row?” and forget about it. I forget until that time comes again. I find myself avoiding my bedroom  and finding other things I need to do just one more time – pay a bill, check Facebook, wash a dish, get some water – but then I wait.

Not tonight. Tonight I pray.

Bucket List Bios

Those of you that know me know how much I love plans. Even right now I want to text a friend to find out our “plans.” However, I took a class last year that was very ambiguous. It took me awhile to catch on but what doesn’t challenge you, doesn’t change you. I prefer having plans but sometimes the best outcomes happen from no plans at all. I’ve been keeping a running tab of things I hope to do one day – my bucket list – also linked as a tab on the blog. I’m going to talk about two things I have recently checked off the list and both of them were planned unplanned adventures!

When: Wednesday afternoon àThursday morning

Where: Skipping graduate classes à Boone, North Carolina (4.5 hours away)

Who: my roommate, Shauna, Sundy Best, and new friends from Kentucky

What: spontaneous trip to see Sundy Best and Corey Smith perform a concert at Appalachian State University

Why: YOLO

The story: Now that the scene is set, Shauna and I took off, showed up, arrived at the bar, and realized that we were perhaps the oldest people in line to get in. There were lots of undergraduate college students around us, which we usually love, but not when we want to have a few beers and hear our favorite band (or when they are peeing outside on a truck – which happened.) 

Waiting to get in. The bar was BYOB check in style.

"Heaven must be a Kentucky kind of place" and "Kentucky kicks ass" shirts.

After we were in and settled I overheard someone at the bar say they were from Kentucky. I freaked out, introduced myself, and made some new friends. Shauna and I watched, loved, and sang along with every song Sundy Best performed. (The students around us had no clue who they were and we yelled at them over and over to just shut up and learn to love them.) 

Front row, far right.

After they finished and Corey Smith’s band was setting up we walked over to the merchandise table where our new Kentucky friends were and I said to them, “Can you introduce us to your other Kentucky friends?” And guess who we got to meet? Sundy Best! Kris and Nick! (Now you are probably thinking – wow, cool, that is great to check off your bucket list but noooo.. there is more!) After we chatted a bit, took some pictures, and chatted some more it clicked in Kris’ mind that Shauna and I drove almost 5 hours on a work night to watch them. That is when we both got big kisses on the cheek! And here is where I can cross “kiss a boy in a band” off my bucket list!! It was one of the best nights ever. After Corey Smith finished we hung out a little more and then finally drove around Boone to find late night food and a hotel. After sleeping only a few hours we made the trek back up to JMU where we had to rush into work and keep on keeping on! Thinking of the excitement from the night before is what kept me going all day!

Shauna, Sundy Best (Nick and Kris), and me!

When: That day in January that I ran a mile for the first time à early Saturday morning in April

Where: Planet Fitness gym à JMU’s campus

Who: my roommate, Shauna, other cohort friends, and 700 other racers

What: 5K race to support girls and women health and physical education

Why: It was a color run with a box of Girl Scout cookies at the end!

The story: There isn’t much to this story except that when it comes to physical activity I am a lazy ass. You might laugh but really – I have always led an active lifestyle with really high metabolism and haven’t ever worked up a habit of exercising regularly (except the two years in high school that Mom and I fell in love with Pilates). One semester I tried going to the gym with a friend every morning at 6AM or so and half the time I think he found me stretching sleeping on the yoga mats when it was time to leave. I do enough to be a fairly healthy person but certainly nothing extra for sure! This all changed in January when I joined a gym in Harrisonburg for pretty cheap and really didn’t know what else to do there so I jumped on a treadmill.

At this point I was only really concerned about getting the guy signing me up's phone number. Mission accomplished.

After a few trips I challenged myself to run a mile – something I had never done in my life. (Full disclosure, I somehow always lied got away with not running the complete mile in grade school or high school – even for the Presidential fitness test!) After a mile became a smoother trek I tried to knock my time down to under 10 minutes. Then I added more distance. I had never pushed myself so hard physically before. It was pretty awesome if I’m honest about it. Who would have ever thought I would say that?! Then I went on a gym hiatus. I was working on my portfolio and class and applying for jobs and work got busy. I just didn’t make time and needed to stay focused on other things. Excuses, excuses, I know. But it’s my life so whatever, that’s what happened.

A few weeks ago I was inspired by an email advertising a race and started back at the gym again. The seed of running a 5K was planted in my head. It was already on my bucket list but really I thought I had years to accomplish that. One night I was pretty fired up about something which is great fuel for the gym. I didn’t set out trying to run 3 miles but as I got closer I just kept going. Afterwards I thought, that’s it, I have to sign up! I’m on a roll! Over the next two weeks I had some muscle pain in my calves so I didn’t get out as often as I would have liked. In fact, I have only ran twice in that time frame but I was already signed up and determined. My goal was to take it easy but finish strong. I wanted to run this race, not walk it. Since I didn’t know what type of pain I would experience in my calves I decided 15 minute miles was a safe pace and wanted to finish the race in 45 minutes. After being blasted with red, purple, yellow, blue, and green every kilometer, I ran through that finish line so proud of myself. Get this – my time was a little over 30 minutes. SO PROUD! The end was made a little sweeter by being rewarded with a box of girl scout cookies…. And brunch at Billy Jack’s complete with a bloody Mary and my favorite breakfast sliders.

Jumping for joy with my CSPA little. Check out the mountains in the background. I get that view everyday.

No, things didn’t go as planned for me in the last few weeks but I accomplished something I never thought I would be able to do. I made memories that will never be able to be replaced. Life is unpredictable and ambiguous and that’s okay with me. I’ve been challenged and I’ve been changed. What have you done lately that has surprised you? What do you want to do?

Vegas Engagement!

Clearly, the title of this post is not what it sounds like. Keep reading - you'll understand. 

The semester is officially half way over. It seems like time has just flown by! Anytime someone tells me that in 6 short weeks I will have my Master’s degree I have this mixed sensation of excitement, terror, and dread. (Which I was so kindly reminded of again today.) I am so excited because I have worked so hard and I am ready to contribute to a field I love so much. I am in terror because I don’t have a job yet and I kinda want one of those to be able to contribute to the field. Lastly, I am full of dread because I can’t even imagine leaving the friendships I have made here. What I do is in Virginia. Who I love is in Harrisonburg. Where will I be without them? It’s just really sad to think about. HOWEVER, I completely believe in building and maintaining long distance friendships. You don’t have to see someone every day for them to be an important part of your life or even, your best friend. Just ask me and Tracy. In fact you don’t even have to talk every day. Sometimes your hearts just already knows.

Well, since I’m doing a little reminiscing about the semester I wanted to pick out some of the coolest things that have happened so far that I might not have mentioned in the blog. (Okay, so after I wrote all of this and added the pictures I decided to just leave it at two of the coolest things. I could recap every weekend if I wanted to but I don’t want to make anyone jealous with all of the library time and dancing at the Dodger I have been doing.)

A huge highlight of this semester was being asked to be in Maggie and Craig’s wedding. They got engaged over winter break on a cruise and along with some help from the cohort I threw them an engagement party soon after. We had super cute invitations (handmade by us!), amazing food, so many friends, and a fun game to learn about the bride and groom a little more. At the end of the game Maggie asked if she could say a few words and she starts talking about me! I immediately said, um, stop, this is your party! And she said, hold on! The rest was caught on video that I unsuccessfully tried to uploaded here. There is lots of me standing in shock but near the very end you can see my happy dance realization that we’re gonna have a wedding!! Pictures of the evening will have to suffice!

The Shoe Game

Very entertaining!

Some of the cohort with the bride-to-be

Me thinking she was giving me a signed picture frame? What?

So proud of her crafting! And proud to stand by her on her wedding day!

Family photo. Mom, Dad, and child. Typical.

 Another big deal was being able to fly to Las Vegas with some of my cohort loves for a national conference during spring break. We had a day of adventure in Philadelphia before we left, hilarious rough and tumble times in airport security, adjoined hotel rooms (that we enjoyed like little kids!), delicious food, lots of frozen drinks, slot machines and black jack tables, exploration of the Vegas strip, and good quality time connecting with, networking, learning from, and soaking in all the student affairs connections and information being shared from across the nation. SO MUCH FUN! Here are some pictures of the trip.

3 girls, 5 days, 7 bags

On the plane

Walking inside Paris (the casino/hotel)

All of the people at the conference!

Serendipity's Frozen Hot Chocolate 

Bellagio fountains at night

We made time for drinks and gambling! We HAD to!

Classic. How could I not post this?

Typical Vegas strip characters

Our last family (Greg, Maggie, Kelly, and I) meal - at the Bellagio

The Best Damn Life

I was up very late or very early last night/morning depending on how you look at it. I leave for a conference in Las Vegas for my spring break in a few days and had some work I wanted to get done. I pulled my first semi-all-nighter since undergrad! I was writing a reflection paper for my final portfolio that I need for graduation. I did lots of thinking about the past two years and my own personal growth and development which led me to reflect on years prior to this adventure too.

I don’t talk about something that happened a long time ago much anymore and I’m fairly certain I have never blogged about it. It doesn’t mean I don’t ever think about it but it’s not the dwelling kind of thinking that consumes me every second of every day anymore. No, it’s a kind of pain you learn to live with. It becomes normal and natural and a part of you. Every once in awhile it will be sharp – a reminder to not forget, to not get too comfortable. Mostly though, it doesn’t weigh me down, in fact, these memories can make me smile and lift me up. Thank you to my friends who have been around on the rough days. Who listen even when they have no idea what to say. Who smile along when I make a distasteful joke about death. Who know exactly what I mean when I say, “only the good die young.”

My freshman year of college I lost my best friend to a tragic airplane accident. He was what I considered my everything, my best friend, partner in crime, keeper of my secrets, the love of my life. Looking back now there are so many blessings that were sprinkled along the path up until the day he died. So many moments where God was preparing me for what was about to happen. He gave Evan the words to say that will be forever engrained in my heart. Specifically, Evan said to me a few weeks before the accident, “If I die you better live the best damn life you possibly can because you would be living for two people, not just one.” It was that line, that memory of sitting shot gun as we drove under the stop lights near the railroad tracks heading towards Walton on US 27, that has kept me going even on days I wanted to give up.

This was the last sentence I typed before I decided it was time to wrap up last night. “I never want to be finished with this journey because I am having way too much fun making the best of it!” As I reread it I treasured the moment I was having. I could feel Evan. I knew in that moment I had done right by him. I knew I followed his advice and he was looking over me. I’ve heard that people get a little crazy without enough sleep and at this point I had been up for 22 hours straight. I might have been seeing things or imagining them but in my gut, even now, I can recognize his presence. It doesn’t happen often but it happens when I need it to and he was with me last night. He still makes me brave and gives me faith. I’m a little surprised that I am sharing this with all of you because so much of my healing journey through his lost was personal, as all grief is. I guess I feel it’s important to remember how lucky and beautiful our small and wild lives are. I also hope that you, readers, understand that anyone who comes into your life will serve a purpose and you in turn are entering other's lives serving them as well. We are all connected in some way. The universe knows. It may not make sense at the time but one day when you piece together all the tiny details there was a plan there all along. Perhaps even the purpose in Evan’s life was to influence me to do amazing things with mine. I plan on living the best damn life that I can.

Evan and I celebrating our birthday's (16 and 20) with ice cream sundae's! Some things never change.

Modern Chaos

Over winter break I was able to spend some time in our national capitol doing some pretty wonderful things with my family. One of our short trips in between events was to the National Gallery of Art. I was mesmerized by some of the displays they had. My parents wanted to focus on the classics from a long time ago – you know the famous Monet paintings or Michelangelo sculptures. But when I walked into the modern and contemporary art gallery I had a sense of energy and inspiration. I felt connected to the art. I couldn’t stop staring. I wanted to run my fingers along the paintings so badly! They called to me. (My family did their fair share of calling to try to get me to leave too!) 

My family on the super cool walkway after putting up with me for so long.

My brother looked at something next to me and said, “That looks like something a 2 year old could do.” And really, he had a point, it was a bunch of colored paint splattered on a canvas. But I came to the defense of the artist and said in response, “I’d like to see you try to do it.” When it comes to recreating art, I just think it is impossible. That piece of art is a design, a concept, a creation, internalized, felt, and made by the artist. Even the artist probably couldn’t recreate it. It’s a little bit like life. You can’t recreate your life but you can keep going and create it. It’s never too late to design something beautiful. Everyone has their own type of chaos they are living with. To me, modern art is a way to express that chaos and see the beauty in it.

I can't even imagine how this was accomplished. So much paint!

This is chaos.

I hope to do something like this next time I paint pottery!

It’s common to think of chaos as a negative thing. But it all depends on your perspective. This world was created out of chaos (depending on which school of thought you believe, but still, you get my point). If I didn’t have chaos in my life I think I would be bored! Just like the lines, shapes, and colors of the art gave me energy the differences, challenges, people, and moments of life give me energy as well. There is power in that energy. Power to reach goals and accomplishments. Power to make a difference, make a change. There is also the leeway to make meaning however you want to interpret modern art. It’s not just how the artist envisioned it but the involvement of the viewer adds a new dimension. As we all know, from many previous blog posts, I am making meaning out of my life every day. I am so thankful to the artists who inspired me while on my trip to DC and even more thankful to be able to share my thoughts will all of you.

Time

I have lots of great ideas about what to blog about but after last week and the two already painful days of this week I have to scratch all the great ideas and talk about what is on my mind and that is…. Time. I could talk about how I know I’ll meet someone perfect for me when I am in the right place at the right time. Or I could talk about how I came to the place I am in my life – all the tiny moments in time that led up to right now. Or I could go a completely different route and talk about my future and how I don’t know what time will bring me. I do plan to talk about all of these things at some point but tonight I want to touch on the restrictions of time.

I feel like I am being strangled. Every reading I have to do, every paper I have to write, every load of laundry that needs to be washed, every drive to campus, every student appointment, every, every, every! I add up every minute each of these things will take and I am always coming up short of time. Or I underestimate how long something will take and become behind on my to-do list (which is never ending). It’s like I’m drowning in responsibilities and each time I accomplish something I get a breath of fresh air but then I get pulled under again. I know I am being cynical. I’m not complaining about anything I have to do. I enjoy it all. I want to be doing what I am doing – never doubt that – but I just wish time could freeze until I could catch up a little bit.

I try to use my weekends to catch up and spend most Saturday’s in the library but I need to relax too! I need to be social and visit with friends and make the most of beautiful Virginia and watch the Bachelor on Monday’s with the girls. Yes, I need to do these things too! I’ve been trying to stick with our healthy living plan for the new year and still make it to the gym. Then there is cooking dinner and packing lunch. Health is important but it takes time too!

I am realizing that I have limitations. I can’t just keep pushing and pushing and pushing and except to come out perfect and shining at the end. There are going to be bumps and bruises along the way. Nothing worth it in life comes easy. Right now I’m just taking a little tumble with time. None of this means I’m not happy or I’m not having fun but I certainly am being challenged. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to how I spend my time and I need to continue keep fighting the good fight.

Everything will be alright in the end and if it's not alright it's not the end. I'm am looking towards that light at the end of the tunnel! I just gotta get the lock down on the clock!

SMILE

This morning I  have a few minutes to kill before going to church. You know, that awkward time when you are already dressed and ready but there isn't really enough time to make breakfast or start an assignment and nothing is on TV at this time of day. So here I am - blogging.

I met a guy at a bar once who gave me a super hateful look. I was not about to give him the time of day, except to complain to my friends about what could I have possibly done to make him dislike me without even knowing me! Rude! Then I saw him smile. When my parents warned me about charming boys this is exactly who they were talking about. His smile was gorgeous. My whole perception of him changed in an instant as soon as he showed off those pearly whites. A simple smile has that much power. This brings me to my realization for this morning: my smile is also my best accessory. Your expressions can tell others so much about you. Why not start off with a smile? (Yes, I still think that hateful look he gave me was weird!)

Since my allergic sensitive skin reaction I have been cutting out lots of cosmetic products, specifically make up. At first I felt so naked and ugly without it and I still don't feel as polished as I would like to but when I look in the mirror and smile - I feel pretty okay about myself. I believe my smile really shows off the happiness for life I feel inside. And that is what should really matter, correct? Since my smile is the way I express to others the joy I feel (although, it can express so much more than that in different contexts) I thought it was fitting to end with some quotes on happiness. I saw my friends posting about this recently, maybe it's what got me thinking about smiles to begin with.

Kelly threw this little gem out there..
It is not in the pursuit of happiness that we find fulfillment, it is in the happiness of pursuit. -Denis Waitley

Aimee got me thinking with this..
The happiest people are those who have stopped chasing happiness and instead search for meaningfulness. -my textbook

When co-teaching class this week a wise woman said..
Happiness is a product, not a place. It is found in the journey, not in the destination.

I am in the pursuit of meaningfulness on my journey of life and I find something to smile about around every turn. The world will never wonder if I am happy or not. My smile says it all.

A hot relaxed mess

I have been wanting to post a blog to keep up with the habit but I usually write when I feel really moved or inspired about a topic or feeling. I have a whole list of things that have hit me that I want to write about but I just haven’t had the spark that lights my fire to write. Today, I thought if I just start writing – the words will come. They are all a part of me anyway. A part of me that I share with you.

I’ve got it. This post is a pep talk. I think I am getting sloppy. My mind is in too many places at once. I’m not focusing on the tasks I have right in front of me. My room is a mess. The kitchen is even worse! I think someone somewhere says that your home is a reflection of yourself. I hate that I am being represented this way but I think it’s what I am becoming! It’s even showing up on my face!! (Oh no, wait, that is just the sensitive skin reaction I got on my eyes over break that has lasted two weeks into the semester and spread to the rest of my face. I finally have some medicine that is clearing it up. Thank goodness! My dermatologist is a genius. Remember my leg problem? Basically, I’m allergic to all the soaps, lotions, and cosmetic products I’ve been using. I already am really careful about what products I use but I just had to order a new line of EXTRA hypoallergenic stuff. I have more sensitive skin than a red head! End side story.)

I’ve been noticing in myself how much more relaxed I have been over the past few months. I used to be so worried and uptight about everything! It was probably my biggest critique from my ex. That I liked plans too much and couldn’t relax and go with the flow. I’m pretty sure I started many fights with my itineraries or because we were lost or late or not being productive. It’s so funny thinking about it now because I feel like I am the relaxing free spirit among some of my friends and family. I very rarely stress out these days. I know what control I have and I know the universe guides my path. With those realizations combined I am falling perfectly into my hippie happy place. I’m learning how flexible I can be and how exciting it is when plans change. I wonder if because I was surrounded by so many easy going relaxed people before my uptight type-A personality came through to try to “help” them or at least keep them organized. Remove them and I have become available to the peace of only being responsible for myself. The plans I had for the rest of my life changed and when something that big happens you have to find a way to adapt. I’ve adapted by embracing changing plans and the flexibility that comes with it. The thought of moving almost anywhere in the country for a new job makes me feel so free and alive.

I like being relaxed. Don’t get me wrong. It was different at first, but I like it. I am so much healthier not stressing out! Even my breathing feels calm these days. But ya know what, if I am going to accomplish all the things I need to accomplish then I need a plan. I need to get my shit together and check things off my to-do list. I need to create a to-do list, for goodness sake! So from this moment on, I’m going back to keeping myself on a strict time table of productivity. This semester especially is important that I make progress (in my classes, with my final comprehensive portfolio, and job searching) because the rest of my career depends on it. At the same time I want to enjoy every minute with every person I care about in Harrisonburg before I have to move. If I am going to work more I’ll be socializing less. I don’t like that. What else could I give up? Working out? No, I am making too much progress there. Cooking? No, I need to eat. Sleeping? BINGO! Sleep is important but if I start my days waking up earlier I have more time to do the things I want to do. In life, you know something is important to you when you dedicate time to it. I think this means I need to stop spending so much time on social media…

NYE vs Prom

So last night was New Year’s Eve. It is one of the biggest built up holidays. Everyone is always scrambling to find plans for when the clock strikes midnight and the ball in New York City drops. And then what? What changes? It’s kind of always been a let down in my book. Then again, I spent the past three New Year’s Eve’s in a relationship where I was able to have a kiss (where no one died J) and start the year off looking forward to our journey together and that was pretty nice. You know what else is nice? Having a prom date. You plan out your evening to perfection. Rent a limo, buy flowers, have dinner reservations, match your outfits, dance together, take pictures… and it is freaking exhausting!! All that work just to feel special with one person. I had a lot of dates to dances and it always felt so important. My senior year I decided I was going to prom alone. Just me. I wore a super sexy dress, grabbed a ride with another couple, took pictures with more friends than I realized I had, danced until I was sweaty and sore, and had one of the happiest most care free nights of my life. Why didn’t I decided to go dateless sooner?!

Last night I wondered if New Year’s Eve is like that. When the pressure to have a good time with the right person is gone that is when you can really enjoy it. I went to a family friend’s party this year that I opted not to go to the past few years (I had other plans, remember). And let me tell you, I think this was one of the best New Year Eve’s I’ve ever had!! There was no cover charge, amazing live music by Troy Brooks (Check out his website here) and Kassie Jordan (Her website is here.) [Both are amazing! You know how I love local talent and rising stars. Obviously, I have both their CDs.], very good food provided by Brooks Meats (yum!!), an open bar, dancing, raffle prizes every couple of minutes (ranging from $1 to $100 and candy bowls to a trip to Gatlinburg), and lots of very loving and caring friends and families. I got to kiss the two people who care about me most in the world, my parents, as well as shoot them both with silly string. It does not get any better than that. Oh, but it does! My brother and I were singing duets as he played the guitar before I left for the party and my favorite song to have fun with is Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show. My dad requested the song from the band at the party and I was able to dance and sing in front of everyone. The anonymous request became pretty darn obvious as to who it was for. I was on cloud nine clapping to the beat and rocking along. As midnight approached, Kassie led us in a beautiful rendition of the National Anthem. I’ve never had a more moving and thankful-to-be-alive-right-here-right-now-in-this-country kind of moment than I did when the rest of the room joined in and we brought in the new year together. At that moment the ball became so much less important than our blessings.

I’ve never been one to have much of a negative attitude and even if some sad things happened in 2012 it wasn’t a bad year. In fact, I am grateful to have been able to be witness to so many amazing memories and learning experiences. I have no doubt that 2013 will rock me, like a wagon wheel, the wind and the rain, a southbound train, oh, I can’t wait for it to rock me. Bring it on, new year! Wishing all of you the positivity to tackle whatever God has planned for you in 2013 with grace, laugher, and love.