Kentucky Girl Luck

If you are lucky enough to be alive, you are lucky enough. I can’t even put into words how lucky I feel to have the life I live. I am not just alive, I am living. But after hearing from some rather important people in my life that my blog can make me sound bitter or puts them in a depressed mood after reading it I thought I needed to lighten things up here. And then I told them, “If you don’t like it, don’t read it.” Which I still believe holds true but maybe they had a point. Maybe I need to share more of my joy since I have that too. However, if you are really concerned if I am depressed or bitter then call me. Talk to me. Let’s swap stories. News flash: I don’t put everything going on in my life in my blog. There is a lot more to my day to day than what you see here, on Facebook, or Twitter.

Back in February (yes that long ago) I was posting a positive a day. Back then I really needed those positives to keep me going. I needed the constant reminder that things were going to be okay and I was happy. Today I don’t feel the need to do that, every day I feel that I am surrounded by positivism. I leave my apartment with the sun coming up and as I am walking down the stairs I always think, “Wow, another day. Here we go! Let’s do it!” Some days, more than others, I reflect on how it feels to live on my own in Virginia and take care of myself. I draw so much pride in my independence and enjoy using that feeling to have productive days. (Other days I just jam out to Ke$ha in the car and I am not ashamed about that either!) There is something about the mountains surrounding the valley and the fog lingering in the air that makes me feel like this life is so much bigger than me. The interconnectedness of the world can really make your mind spin if you think about it.

I am thinking about all of this today because last night I was talking to friend who was feeling down. And we all have days like that, don’t we? Everything I said he had a reason to why I was wrong. I knew I should have just been there for him and listened. I knew I wasn’t going to change his mind. He didn’t need to want my advice. But I have that spark in me that still believes no matter how terrible and rough life gets, it ain’t all that bad. I couldn’t help but try to convince him of the worthiness and purpose he holds in my life, and so many others, simply by being here on this earth. Sometimes when you are feeling so bad nothing but time can make it better. I’d challenge him though, if he is reading this, to do something with that time. The power isn’t in the time – it is in what you do with it.

I really don’t believe that people can be happy 100% of their life and I don’t believe people want to be. You have to know some sadness to appreciate joy when it is present. Embrace the sadness, bitterness, anger, guilt, whatever you think it might be in your life that is holding you back and love that feeling. Recognize it and know it and be glad that you have it because that means you are here. If you are using your time right soon enough you will know the feelings of joy, freedom, happiness, and peace that might replace it. So my question to you, friends, is what do you do with your time? When the going gets tough and the tough get going – what are you doing? How do you fill your “time” so it changes you?

Today I plan on cleaning my apartment. Yes, some of it is my mess but lots of it is my roommate’s and she is gone this weekend. I’m going to clean it anyway. I love her and can give a little bit to her in this way. I am also going to send a few snail mail cards to people I care about. There is just something special about a greeting card if you ask me. And my last goal for today is to create a presentation for a conference I’ll be going to next weekend. The presentation is about how to get into a student affairs grad program and know that it is right for you. I am thrilled to be able to share my passion for this field with others. I am going to ask once more before I sign out – what are you doing with your time? 

Honest honesty.

Everyone says that honesty is one of their most valued characteristics in a partner, friend, coworker, supervisor, etc. Everyone says that they are a really honest person, honest worker, honest employee, etc. The question I pose today is: is that really true? Is honesty a quality you value? Do you show honesty in your everyday life? When you talk to friends, acquaintances, significant others, etc. are you honest? I bet your initial reaction is to shout out, “Are you honestly asking me this, Emily? Of course, I am honest!”

In my opinion I just think that how honest you are depends on your motivation. When your level of motivation outweighs your need to be honest then you just aren’t as truthful as you can be. Of course, every situation can be different but you know, dear reader, that I am going to pull in examples from my life. I think I learn things the best when I see and feel them and right now I have picked up on this theme so let’s explore…

I have a new friend who is so honest. He doesn’t have anything to gain or lose by being honest – he just is. And man, let me tell you, it is so refreshing! I never get nervous about asking him questions because I know he’ll tell me the straight up truth. All in all, honesty is a good look for him and I really appreciate it. However, he only has to be honest about himself. No one else’s feelings or perceptions are involved. I mean, I guess I could be judging him (which I would never do J) and he might shy away from telling me something because of that but I don’t think that’s the case. Regardless, this changes things a little when compared with another type of honesty – the type where someone else is involved.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “A truth that draws a tear is better than a lie that draws a smile?” The premise of this quote is what I am trying to get at. I want people to tell me the truth. Tell me the most gosh awful hurtful painful truth because I know that will be better in the end. Most break ups end with some form of a lie, I realize that, but if you really cared about the person at all wouldn’t you want to respect them enough to give them an honest answer? An answer that they deserve. Don’t tell me you want to stay friends if you don’t. Don’t tell me you’ll always be there for me when you won’t. Don’t tell me we might still have potential for a future if we don’t. Don’t tell me you want the best for me and then lie to me. Don’t do it. *end my short rant here* It doesn’t just have to do with breakups, friends feed into this I-don’t-want-to-hurt-you-but-I-know-what-I-have-to-say-sucks-so-I-am-not-going-to-say-it mentality too. I just think everything would be so much easier if I could know what I am working with right from the beginning and then use that information as power. Power to move on. Power to make decisions. Power to grieve and then be happy again.

When you were little someone probably told you to just rip the band aid off really fast all at once because it stings less that way. I am telling you right now, rip the truth. Just say what you mean, don’t make me guess and figure it out. Here is an analogy: this band aid was on for a purpose – to help heal a hurt. Leave the band aid on and when the time is right rip that sucker off and you should see a difference. It’s healed, it’s smaller, it’s better. There still might be some pain or you might need some antibiotic cream but you’re getting there – you are making progress. In another scenario you have a wound that won’t heal and no one liked you enough to give you a band aid so you keep picking at the scab. You pick and it bleeds and it grows back and you pick it again. It’s this cycle where you are hurting the entire time. And even after you think the wound has healed and the scab is gone there might be a scar. A constant reminder of a hurt of your past. An underlying sign that you aren’t the same. You were hurt for too long and that is what’s left. You’ll still live and you’ll still get through it and you’ll learn to ignore it but it could have been an easier process. My friends, let’s help each other make this already confusing complicated life a smoother journey for each other. Let’s tell the truth. Be brave and put all that value you say you have in honesty into the person you really need to be honest with. Don’t let your motivation for “not wanting to hurt someone” stop you from letting them heal – after all that is the best way to help them in the end.

You all realize that this is only my opinion. Share yours if you have one. Find a flaw in my theory? Be honest – point it out. What this realization about honesty means to me is that I need to continue working on being more honest. I think we all do. I need to be a little more assertive in my responses with friends and a little less passive aggressive. I want friends who support and challenge me. I hope I am on the path to growing into the same type of friend I’d like to have. And if I am not – tell me! I’ve heard it called serving the truth with love. That’s what I would like to do and have done to me – the cold hard truth wrapped in warm cozy love. Now if that isn't a nice thought on a chilly fall night, I don't know what is.

It's OK to be sad

My parents came to visit this weekend. We jammed packed their visit with as many Valley treats as possible. We fit in a full day of hiking in the Shenandoah National Park enjoying the beginning of the leaves changing, fresh fall scents, and silly photo shoots to show Ben what he was missing. We also got our Farmer’s Market fix – I’m going to try making spaghetti squash for the first time! We drove out to an apple orchard where we got some extremely fresh apples, a pumpkin, and did a hard cider tasting. Of course, we ate at wonderful downtown restaurants until we were stuffed. I loved having you both here!

In two of the TV shows I occasionally watch (Modern Family and Castle) there were scenes about daughters moving away to college this week. I cried both times – I can’t help it! It’s funny because I don’t remember a terrible moment of moving away to college. I’m sure I had one or two or three.. but they aren't as strong in my memory as some more current emotions. Watching my parents drive away from my apartment after such a great weekend I can relate to that lost and alone feeling that was so evident in the TV shows. All of a sudden my apartment feels much too big for me. It’s like all the joy that they filled my home with left with them. I know I’m being dramatic but it is really sad after they are gone.

I think the same thing happens with break-ups. No matter the reason for a relationship ending, it can be really sad to realize I am now on this life journey alone. Before I was a co-pilot reading the road map of life with a partner and now in the blink of an eye I have to steer, follow directions, change air filters, talk to police officers, and sing the harmony and melody parts with the radio ALONE! All by myself! But then, I started to figure it out. Before I knew it I realized I am actually pretty good at steering with my knee as I try to reprogram the GPS. I learned that the guys who work at Auto Zone don’t always want to screw me over – they actually enjoy helping if they can. All police officers (as I discovered) aren't out to give massive speeding tickets, they might really just want me to be safe. I started to figure out I can do it by myself. The sharpness of heartbreak still takes my breath away from time to time. Just like the emptiness after my parents leave can be so big when I dwell on it. But as my days begin to unfold and life moves me along not only have I realized I can survive this trip, I have learned I am not as alone as I thought. (And maybe one day, an eligible bachelor will be the one helping me at the Auto Zone.)

I think my point is: having these conflicting feelings is okay! Actually, it is normal. It is human. As happy as I am when my parents are here visiting I am still sad when they leave. That is perfectly okay. As happy as I was in my relationship I am allowed to grieve for the loss of having a co-pilot. (Maybe in the journey of life I've been upgraded to a solo pilot because someone out there knows I can handle it. I need to keep that same faith in myself.) I think the last few months I have been ignoring the sadness that can come with changes and I certainly haven’t wanted to blog about it! (Who wants to read a depressing monologue?!... If you do, pick up some Shakespeare.) I think I’m ready to start being honest about some of the feelings I've been left to deal with. I know I've said it before – it sucks! I’m talking about getting a little deeper than that though – my heart hurts.

Accepting that I feel sad about something doesn't mean I am not still grateful for my wonderful life, beautiful friends, promising opportunities, exciting adventures, good health, and positive attitude. I’m just tuning in a little more carefully to how it feels to be me. If you don’t like it, don’t read the blog. I have developed some fantastic skills to help me through this new realization. (The fact that I am considering “It’s okay to be sad” a new realization is a little bit funny to me. It seems like such an easy concept.) One of these skills is a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself. Come on, even I know, the single girl life can be pretty hilarious. So am I laughing or crying as I write this? Both. And you know what? Feeling that way is pretty damned normal!