Skydiving to Freedom

After reading this post you all know how seriously I have taken my promise to live the best damn life that I could. I don’t just get to live in memory of Evan but also to create memories of my own with people I care about. For my 16^th birthday Evan wanted to take my skydiving. It was always a dream of his and what better time to do it than the present (for a present), right? I thought it was a fantastic idea and begged my parents to sign for me. Surprise, surprise, they wouldn’t. What great parents they are! (I’m not being sarcastic there, I really feel like that was a great decision.) Then came the years of putting it off – first I would do it when I turned 18, then it was turning 21, then it was college graduation, then it was a moving away celebration. I had plenty of reasons to go but the excuses behind them were holding me back. If I’m honest, the fear of getting into a small plane was holding me on the ground – and tight. (Since the accident anyone who has held my hand in an airplane or has had to suffer through me nagging for you to text me as soon as you land will understand a tiny bit of my fear.)

So what made me decide to want to do it this time? Well, first, it’s on my bucket list. And I really love crossing things off lists. Second, I finished graduate school and got a job. That’s a reason to celebrate. Third, I have been single for officially one year straight and love the full life I live. Being happy and content is never a good enough reason for being stagnant and settling. I needed to do this. It was time to do it. For Evan. For me.

I made a reservation, laid down a deposit, kept my mouth shut, didn’t tell my parents, and waited patiently to jump out of an airplane. I was going skydiving! I was so focused on work that before I knew it the day had arrived and I was in Orange, VA pulling into a small airport.

Then I was signing and initialing more times than I can count and more words than I can remember but I know one thing – it said I could die!

I went through a roller coaster of emotions while I was waiting and had a great friend willing to put up with me. One of the most defining moments of the trip was when we were suited up waiting for our final harness and I started crying. I was looking at the tiny planes and thinking of how brave I needed to be. I told Tom in that moment I could feel Evan with me which made me cry even more. He asked what that felt like and my automatic response was “safe.” I was about to jump 13,500 feet out of an airplane to free fall at 120 miles per hour for 55 seconds and all I could feel was safe. It felt right. I was in exactly where I needed to be with one friend smiling next to me and another smiling down on me. Then I got really pumped up! I was jumping around, clapping my hands, swinging my arms. My nervous energy turned into just plain energy! 

Of course it was perfect timing for the clouds to roll in and make us wait two hours. We were just sitting around, pacing around, moping around. So we grabbed the chance to eat at a local gas station for lunch. (It was the biggest let down!... I mean the waiting was a let down, I didn't have high hopes the gas station.)

As we were taking the last bite, we got the call. The clouds had cleared and we were on deck to be the next flight out! With a mad dash back to the airport there was no time to be nervous or brave. I just needed to survive now. Take off was scary for me but once we made it into the air I was at peace and in the zone.

Words can hardly describe the exhilaration that comes with skydiving out of an aircraft. I’m not even sure I can try.

After free falling I deployed the parachute at 6000 feet and we floated down so serenely. I told Chris, my instructor (who was the most wonderful man), that I felt like I visited Heaven today. And he said, “In a way you did, I know your friend is with you and is very proud.” After landing safely with two feet on the ground and being unharnessed from Chris I turned right around to give him a huge hug. Tom watched me land from the sky and I was able to watch him land from the ground each within a minute of the other but what was really amazing is that the plane that took up us landed long before we hit the ground. In fact, I watched the plane I jumped out of land and safely too! I conquered a huge fear that day. I’m sure I still won’t like it when my loved ones fly, especially in small planes, but I know that by looking for accidents and reasons to be scared I still can’t prevent them from happening. Here is the first picture we took after landing.

On the other side of fear is freedom. I need to look more for the moments I can reign in my fear and feel Evan’s safe presence so I can continue doing the things that scare me. Life scares me but this adventure is so worth it! I would say the exact same thing about skydiving too!

One Month Anniversary

I just read all the posts I had on this blog from June 2012. One year ago. One year ago I was finishing up summer orientations at the University of Pikeville. Wow, one year ago doesn’t seem so different from today. Haha, except that is hilarious! Today is so different! But first…

I want to take a minute to look back one month ago. Not so long ago on May 15^th I began my first full day of work at UPIKE. I jumped into training SOAR leaders on day one. (They are orientation leaders.) There were 10 students staring up at me watching my next move, plus the graduate intern (gee, that position seems familiar) waiting to see what I was like. We all survived training and then tackled the next three weeks of six consecutive two day overnight programs. (This sounds so simple as I state it here, but if you know orientation, if you know college campuses, then you know, it’s not.) Along the way we became a team. To quote the students, “We are all like a family.” And really, I couldn't agree more.

They are my family.

So one short month ago I was the new girl and tonight, June 15th, I sat at the head of the table with my SOAR family as we celebrated the closing of our sessions. We came full circle and it was really special to look back on it all. I have time to figure out the details and changes later but tonight I got to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and success. Which was so much sweeter shared over delicious barbecue, silly gift exchanges, and lots of hugs goodbye.

I still have lots to work on even with orientation programs being tied up for the time being… until August. I am anxious to get started cracking down on my to-do list which is drawn on a white board in my office. Just looking at it my visitors become overwhelmed! I also want to take some time to personalize my office space and move in some of my own things (Like the wonderful picture above the staff had framed for me. My pride and joy!) and figure out what the heck is even in the drawers and closet space I have. But time for myself is important too. Next weekend is a big weekend for me! Can’t wait to update you afterwards! Let’s just say, even though my SOAR staff isn’t around, I am not about to let my life get boring. I’m going to take the words, “Let’s get ready to SOAR,” to the next level!

Beauty in the Breakdown

I was reading over some things that I journaled awhile go. In it I asked myself if I was struggling. This stemmed from the many quotes found mainly on Pinterest but really, anywhere. You might have heard the song, “Let Go,” (with the telling line “there is beauty in the breakdown”) or have seen the phrase, “The struggle is part of the story,” or perhaps even read the leadership book, “Strength in the Struggle.” I know I didn’t stumble upon a new feeling or come up with an original idea. People have hard times and become stronger because of them. People hurt but would go through all the pain again because those moments of joy in the journey are worth it. It’s difficult to see the logic in the moment though so quotes and songs and stories like these help us to push on. The right people remind us it’s okay to jump into that messy situation because in the end everything will be okay. (If you have time to reflect, listen to this song, or just let it play while you read.)

So my original question, am I struggling? At the time I had a very broken heart paired with a very resilient spirit. My poor mind had a difficult time figuring out where I fit between the two. Every day was a battle ping pong match going back and forth between grieving for what was and searching for what is. That isn’t even taking into account dreaming about what would be. So yes, I think I was struggling, but no, I don’t think that was a bad thing. In fact, I think my struggle was kind of beautiful.

If something doesn’t go wrong, how do you know when it is right? The art of true appreciation and the gift of feeling genuine gratitude can be unearthed in those defining moments when you finally make sense of the pain. I’m tired of acting like suffering is a weakness. It is okay to hurt! (In fact, I wrote a whole post about that already.) The test of tribulation is what forms us and shapes us and allows us to say, “I think I like who I am becoming.” But only if that test is faced with determination, hope, courage. The struggle, the breakdown, is able to take over when we give in to despair and wallow in the what-would-have-been’s. Don’t let that be you. Be brave.

I’m talking a lot about what I have learned from previous problems but none of this would be relevant if I wasn’t struggling now. And I am, I can admit that. I’m not afraid to push through this breakdown and build myself up higher than before. After all, I live in Pikeville now, the city that moves mountains. The history of this town is fitting as I continuously work on making a life here. Where else would I get to enjoy a tire blow out competition to wrap up Muscle on Main on a Friday night? Or drive by a woman on the side of the road with a sign that reads “pot belly pigs” and a crate full of them in front of her to prove it? Or be greeted by decorated bears at every corner? (A park ranger bear helped me at City Hall and this here Friend of Coal, I couldn’t pass up.) Or have a majestic view of the great state of Kentucky from atop a mountain in Virginia? I can’t think of anywhere else that I would be able to try all of these things, build a future, and be this happy struggling to do it.

 

Behind in Life

I’ve been wanting to blog for awhile now but work is so AMAZING that it feels like I don’t have time. (This really isn’t true since I just finished season 1 of One Tree Hill this past week. Ugh, Netflix.) I’m just getting used to starting my life here in Pikeville. I’ve been pushing myself to meet people and maybe go out of my way to put forth more effort to hear someone’s story. I love the students that I work with! They have the biggest personalities and the way they work with incoming freshman and their families – even bigger hearts. I am so proud to know them!

While I’m still living on campus and have more than my fair share of crazy stories to go along with it (I got hit by a car while sitting in my lawn chair outside! And I use a cooler as a refrigerator. You know, normal life.) I am pleased to announce that I signed a lease on an apartment in town. I won’t be moving in until mid-July but it’s a relief to know that I have a place to call my own here. It is a spacious two-bedroom with a back patio and some private lawn area as well. There is also a washer/dryer hook up in the kitchen – maybe a little odd – but it will be so nice having a place to do laundry without carting it all around town like I am doing now. I was panicked for a little bit so thank you to everyone who prayed I’d find the perfect place. My landlord is 85 years old and has enough stories to fill two lifetimes. I like listening to him and think I’ll be very happy there.

I tweeted the other day about how I ironed my dress with a hair straightener, ate Easy Mac for dinner, and still live in a residence hall. At the time I was cracking up about it but later it made me think about my life and where I am in the process of “growing up.” Lots of my friends are in serious relationships, getting married, maybe even thinking about starting families – if they don’t have babies already! Sprinkling salt and pepper on my macaroni and cheese in a microwavable cup I had a moment where I felt so far behind. I felt not adult enough or mature enough or put together enough. (I wonder if some of this comes from starting a new job, being a new employee, and let’s face it, being a YOUNG professional.) I didn’t really know what to do with this feeling until I talked to a friend today.

First, I have a job career I am crazy about. They prepare you all through grad school that you might not get your dream job right away but most days I feel like I am living in a dream. I am so lucky! Which brings me to my second point, I spent two years earning a Master’s degree! What an accomplishment! I need to give myself more credit for how hard I worked to get to where I am. If I had never taken the internship at UPIKE last summer I would not be here now. Which reminds me of my friend’s point… I’m getting to it… I asked him if he ever felt like I was feeling – behind on growing up, like I was going to miss my chance. He asked me to think back a year and pay attention to all the things that are different about myself and my life. All I could think was that even though I was living in the exact same city last year at this time so much has changed since then. He reminded me that every year from now on things will continue to change and I will change with them. It doesn’t mean I am behind, it just means I am on my own path. I happen to think I am pretty awesome and I love who I am, but I really believe I am a better version of myself than I was a year ago.

While out on my own path every day I have the opportunity to become who I want to be. What a liberating feeling this is! I am creating a life and a world custom designed around me and my needs, full of people who care, and devoid of people who don’t. Right now I am working hard on learning my new role and figuring out a new university. Every day I choose to learn. Another perfect example: Every night I think that I should start working out or eating healthier (although when all you have is a microwave to cook with, it isn’t easy!) but I always make excuses (see what I did up there with the microwave?). Excuses are just that – excuses. They are me taking a day I have to make a change, to be different, to make this year worth it, and wasting it. I guess it comes down to, when I look back on this a year from now, what choice will I have hoped I made? And not just about exercising either – I'm talking about living! Truly living.

Pikeville, KY

I haven’t quite been here a week yet and maybe living here last summer has made things familiar so it hasn’t set in but it is official. It has even changed on Facebook so you know it’s official! I have moved from JMU, the happiest place on earth, and my wonderful apartment in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia to…. you guessed it… Pikeville, Kentucky. I’ve jumped into a picture perfect new position at the University of Pikeville and am so excited to throw myself into work I believe is meaningful and life changing – for students and for myself. I would do what I do for free because I really love it that much – but money is nice to have and I feel so lucky that someone wants to pay me to live out my passion!

With that being said, there are some growing pains that come with changes. At first I thought it was just me but after thinking about it, every new phase in life is going to challenge you. Even if I am living out my dream job I am prepared for some of the difficulties that might come along with it. For example, right now I am living on campus in a renovated motel turned residence hall. I know how fortunate I am to have the amenities I do but I sure am looking forward to having my own apartment once again. And I really miss my neighbors and friends and roommate from where I lived before. It’s a bittersweet mixture of emotions. I’m embracing the different-ness that I’ve found here so far but Pikeville isn’t home in my heart yet. I know it will be one day. Harrisonburg didn’t become home until the friends I had there turned into family. Right now I don’t have friends or family here! They are 3 or 4.5 hours away though which is a very easy drive if I get too lonely. After I truly get settled I will be anxiously awaiting visitors!

I’m prepared to take risks to build relationships though because I know how worth it they can be.  If any of you remember the 30 seconds of courage I used last fall to introduce myself to two attractive graduate students you’ll be happy to know that both of them are now very dear and special friends. In fact, one of them recently wrote in a graduation card that by being brave and meeting new people “you never know who might just end up at your door.” It has been a huge comfort during the times I’ve put myself out there or at least while mentally preparing to put myself out there when a situation presents itself. I have never been as open to life without a plan as I am in this moment right now. I feel confident that as soon as I stop worrying about it life is going to happen.

As many times as I try to explain what I do, it’s still hard for people to understand sometimes. Especially when I get to go to work dressed in themed attire and hang out with the coolest people. The pictures below are from my first three days – Superhero, 1980s, and UPIKE Pride! I am looking forward to updating you on more of my unplanned and uncharted adventures! Stay tuned – I have a feeling my life is about to get real good.

And here are just a few rays of sunshine that I took when I stopped by NKY the weekend before I moved.

PS - I wanted to share this small victory with you all. My left brake light and my left front turn signal light in my car have both burnt out. 1) I hate driving with something wrong with my car and don't want to give the police a reason to pull me over. 2) When your blinker is out it goes extra fast on the inside of the car and it's annoying! So today I set out to change both those lights. I told the guy at AutoZone what I needed and went on my way. I set up my iPad with Ke$ha Pandora playing and popped the trunk and the hood and went to work. After a little fidgeting and pulling and twisting my hand into too small spaces (I have no idea how men with bigger hands do it!) I successfully changed both of the broken lights! Right as I slammed the hood shut "Die Young" began to play and I broke out into a dance right in the parking lot of the residence hall. I was so happy! A student caught me and shouted "Wow, I wish I was in a good mood too!" and I replied, "Heck yea, I'm in a good mood. I just replaced two lights on my own!" He ran over right away, high fived me, and said, "That and your dance is reason enough for me to be in a good mood too!" It's the little things :)

Love Potion #9

I used to have a theory on love that I spread around to some sorority sisters in college. It was actually a theory I came up with in high school, I just didn’t have a title for it until college. I expertly called it the “One Day Theory.” I believed that it was possible to have that one person that you were meant to spend the rest of your life with but that you and that one person just couldn’t be together for whatever reason right now – you needed one day to make it happen. In between now and one day you would date other people and learn about yourself, experience life along the way but the whole time you’d know it was all for one day. That one day when you could be together and everything would finally be perfect. It was like a movie – you know the film I’m talking about - a couple separates for 5 or more years but when they get back together their time is right and one day happens. I had a one day person once. I know friends who had one days too. I didn’t realize until now how cliché we were sitting around our dorm rooms, drawing hearts in notebooks (okay, that didn’t really happen but just to illustrate a point), crying and laughing about stories from the past and how that one day person might fit into our futures.

As time went on our one days weren’t getting any closer, in fact, for some of us, our one days weren’t even a possibility anymore. We held on to the theory for each other thinking if we believed hard enough our romantic fairy tales would come true. In the meantime we fell in and out of love with other sweethearts, experienced happiness and held each other through heartbreak. As we worked through other relationships I began to take note of common themes, remarks we kept going back to – you have all heard them before – “The timing was off. I was ready but he/she wasn’t. In another time or place it might have worked out. He/she seemed perfect but it just wasn’t meant to be… right now.”

This led to the creation of a new theory; I call it the “Some Day Theory.” (It is completely based on no scientific evidence or practices but feel free to quote me on it – or question it, I’d love to talk about it.) Having a some day person leaves the possibilities open to anyone! You aren’t waiting and set for that one person to fit into the one special place you have set aside. The Some Day Theory is all about there being thousands of “right” people for you out in the world. You never know who is right for you, in fact, there are endless possibilities of who is right for you. Woah, takes some pressure off of having to find “the one,” doesn’t it? So there is no right person, there are lots of right people. The thing that sets it all up to last a lifetime is the right place and the right time mixed with this right person. To make it work it all has to be there. It gets even more complicated when you realize that it just can’t be my right time and my right place but the other person’s as well. In my last relationship I truly believed he was the right person and we were in the right time and as soon as I moved back home we would be in the right place. For whatever his reasons were – I wasn’t the right person (or he didn’t feel that he was the right person) and even if I felt like it was my time, it wasn’t his. And let's not even get started on place!

Looking at some of my attempts at dating since then, fitting pieces of relationships into the pattern of “right person, right time, right place” has helped me understand why my Prince Charming hasn’t swept me off my feet just yet. Leave it to me to turn something completely based on feeling and emotion into something logical and practical. This takes away all of the questioning “What could I have done differently? What could have I done better? What is wrong with me?” Nothing, absolutely nothing, it just wasn’t the right some day material for both parties involved.

On the end of this note, I also feel I need to add a teeny tiny shout out to myself and many wonderful friends for graduating JMU with Master’s degrees! Yay! I treated my graduation day slightly like a wedding day for the single smart independent woman that I am! I got my nails done, practiced hairstyles in my cap, picked out the perfect dress, and had many loved ones surrounding me. I am so proud of this degree and can’t wait to put it to use. I’m so amazingly happy doing exactly what I was designed to be doing and my some day will come… one day. J

The Waiting Game

The worst part is laying down at night. For some people, climbing into bed is the best part of their evenings. They are tired and worn out and physically exhausted. They can’t wait to lay their head down and fall asleep. Other people don’t even need to climb into bed. They can close their eyes and dose off no matter where they are. Laying down and falling asleep are synonymous to them. Not me. No, not me. Laying down is when it all begins. In the dark and the quiet with the blankets pulled up to my chin, my pillow crooked under my arm and my sweatshirt held tight in my hand I lay down and wait. I wait for sleep to take over. I squeeze my eyes shut tight and clench my fists around fabric, waiting. When that doesn’t work I try to be as still and relaxed as possible. One might think I am buried under all my pillows but I loosen up my muscles so much I need the pillows to support my head in the right position. The right position for what? Waiting? What is it I am waiting for? Is there a protocol for this?

Calling it anxiety seems so medical, so scripted, so dramatic, so cliché. Let me explain the waiting instead. I hope sleep will take me before my thoughts creep in but lately, that hasn’t been possible. So I wait. I start to think of what my life might be like in a new city, making new friends, learning a new job. I start to think of how I might introduce myself to old friends and acquaintances if I come home for a visit. “Oh yes, well I moved to Virginia for graduate school and now I live in ____________. I work at a university there. What is it that you do?” The last question is important. I practice that over and over. I need to ask that to whoever I am talking to because I don’t have all the answers to explain what they might try to ask me. Do I like it? Am I happy? Where are my favorite places to eat? How has it been meeting people? Don’t you miss your family? Was it worth it to move away? How long have you been gone?

During the day I have all of the answers but at night I wait, tossing and turning, for the right words to come. I’m not a person who makes choices based on gut feelings very often but even if I could feel something maybe I could stop waiting. I start to remember what my life was like before. Before graduate school, sometimes before college even. I remember what it was like before I had a dream for my future. I think of the friends who I laughed with and where they might be now. I reminisce of old boyfriends, what our lives were like, and how they might be if we were still together. What if we had fought instead and I didn’t go away that day? What if I had ruined cutting his hair again, like he knew I would, and he brought me with him? What if I had said no? What if I had said yes? What if he ever even asked at all?

During the day I never wish my life to be any different than it is but as I wait the what ifs haunt me and I fall deeper and deeper into the trap of questioning who I am and where I have been and what I am doing. The good news is that I eventually fall so deep, so far into this other world I have created out of hopes and memories and fears and fate, that it finally happens. I fall asleep. I never remember it taking over. I never feel the peace of being at rest. I fall into my life-like nightmare and stay there until I wake up. In the morning I shake my head and wonder, “Did this really happen another night in a row?” and forget about it. I forget until that time comes again. I find myself avoiding my bedroom  and finding other things I need to do just one more time – pay a bill, check Facebook, wash a dish, get some water – but then I wait.

Not tonight. Tonight I pray.