Skydiving to Freedom

After reading this post you all know how seriously I have taken my promise to live the best damn life that I could. I don’t just get to live in memory of Evan but also to create memories of my own with people I care about. For my 16^th birthday Evan wanted to take my skydiving. It was always a dream of his and what better time to do it than the present (for a present), right? I thought it was a fantastic idea and begged my parents to sign for me. Surprise, surprise, they wouldn’t. What great parents they are! (I’m not being sarcastic there, I really feel like that was a great decision.) Then came the years of putting it off – first I would do it when I turned 18, then it was turning 21, then it was college graduation, then it was a moving away celebration. I had plenty of reasons to go but the excuses behind them were holding me back. If I’m honest, the fear of getting into a small plane was holding me on the ground – and tight. (Since the accident anyone who has held my hand in an airplane or has had to suffer through me nagging for you to text me as soon as you land will understand a tiny bit of my fear.)

So what made me decide to want to do it this time? Well, first, it’s on my bucket list. And I really love crossing things off lists. Second, I finished graduate school and got a job. That’s a reason to celebrate. Third, I have been single for officially one year straight and love the full life I live. Being happy and content is never a good enough reason for being stagnant and settling. I needed to do this. It was time to do it. For Evan. For me.

I made a reservation, laid down a deposit, kept my mouth shut, didn’t tell my parents, and waited patiently to jump out of an airplane. I was going skydiving! I was so focused on work that before I knew it the day had arrived and I was in Orange, VA pulling into a small airport.

Then I was signing and initialing more times than I can count and more words than I can remember but I know one thing – it said I could die!

I went through a roller coaster of emotions while I was waiting and had a great friend willing to put up with me. One of the most defining moments of the trip was when we were suited up waiting for our final harness and I started crying. I was looking at the tiny planes and thinking of how brave I needed to be. I told Tom in that moment I could feel Evan with me which made me cry even more. He asked what that felt like and my automatic response was “safe.” I was about to jump 13,500 feet out of an airplane to free fall at 120 miles per hour for 55 seconds and all I could feel was safe. It felt right. I was in exactly where I needed to be with one friend smiling next to me and another smiling down on me. Then I got really pumped up! I was jumping around, clapping my hands, swinging my arms. My nervous energy turned into just plain energy! 

Of course it was perfect timing for the clouds to roll in and make us wait two hours. We were just sitting around, pacing around, moping around. So we grabbed the chance to eat at a local gas station for lunch. (It was the biggest let down!... I mean the waiting was a let down, I didn't have high hopes the gas station.)

As we were taking the last bite, we got the call. The clouds had cleared and we were on deck to be the next flight out! With a mad dash back to the airport there was no time to be nervous or brave. I just needed to survive now. Take off was scary for me but once we made it into the air I was at peace and in the zone.

Words can hardly describe the exhilaration that comes with skydiving out of an aircraft. I’m not even sure I can try.

After free falling I deployed the parachute at 6000 feet and we floated down so serenely. I told Chris, my instructor (who was the most wonderful man), that I felt like I visited Heaven today. And he said, “In a way you did, I know your friend is with you and is very proud.” After landing safely with two feet on the ground and being unharnessed from Chris I turned right around to give him a huge hug. Tom watched me land from the sky and I was able to watch him land from the ground each within a minute of the other but what was really amazing is that the plane that took up us landed long before we hit the ground. In fact, I watched the plane I jumped out of land and safely too! I conquered a huge fear that day. I’m sure I still won’t like it when my loved ones fly, especially in small planes, but I know that by looking for accidents and reasons to be scared I still can’t prevent them from happening. Here is the first picture we took after landing.

On the other side of fear is freedom. I need to look more for the moments I can reign in my fear and feel Evan’s safe presence so I can continue doing the things that scare me. Life scares me but this adventure is so worth it! I would say the exact same thing about skydiving too!

One Month Anniversary

I just read all the posts I had on this blog from June 2012. One year ago. One year ago I was finishing up summer orientations at the University of Pikeville. Wow, one year ago doesn’t seem so different from today. Haha, except that is hilarious! Today is so different! But first…

I want to take a minute to look back one month ago. Not so long ago on May 15^th I began my first full day of work at UPIKE. I jumped into training SOAR leaders on day one. (They are orientation leaders.) There were 10 students staring up at me watching my next move, plus the graduate intern (gee, that position seems familiar) waiting to see what I was like. We all survived training and then tackled the next three weeks of six consecutive two day overnight programs. (This sounds so simple as I state it here, but if you know orientation, if you know college campuses, then you know, it’s not.) Along the way we became a team. To quote the students, “We are all like a family.” And really, I couldn't agree more.

They are my family.

So one short month ago I was the new girl and tonight, June 15th, I sat at the head of the table with my SOAR family as we celebrated the closing of our sessions. We came full circle and it was really special to look back on it all. I have time to figure out the details and changes later but tonight I got to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and success. Which was so much sweeter shared over delicious barbecue, silly gift exchanges, and lots of hugs goodbye.

I still have lots to work on even with orientation programs being tied up for the time being… until August. I am anxious to get started cracking down on my to-do list which is drawn on a white board in my office. Just looking at it my visitors become overwhelmed! I also want to take some time to personalize my office space and move in some of my own things (Like the wonderful picture above the staff had framed for me. My pride and joy!) and figure out what the heck is even in the drawers and closet space I have. But time for myself is important too. Next weekend is a big weekend for me! Can’t wait to update you afterwards! Let’s just say, even though my SOAR staff isn’t around, I am not about to let my life get boring. I’m going to take the words, “Let’s get ready to SOAR,” to the next level!

Beauty in the Breakdown

I was reading over some things that I journaled awhile go. In it I asked myself if I was struggling. This stemmed from the many quotes found mainly on Pinterest but really, anywhere. You might have heard the song, “Let Go,” (with the telling line “there is beauty in the breakdown”) or have seen the phrase, “The struggle is part of the story,” or perhaps even read the leadership book, “Strength in the Struggle.” I know I didn’t stumble upon a new feeling or come up with an original idea. People have hard times and become stronger because of them. People hurt but would go through all the pain again because those moments of joy in the journey are worth it. It’s difficult to see the logic in the moment though so quotes and songs and stories like these help us to push on. The right people remind us it’s okay to jump into that messy situation because in the end everything will be okay. (If you have time to reflect, listen to this song, or just let it play while you read.)

So my original question, am I struggling? At the time I had a very broken heart paired with a very resilient spirit. My poor mind had a difficult time figuring out where I fit between the two. Every day was a battle ping pong match going back and forth between grieving for what was and searching for what is. That isn’t even taking into account dreaming about what would be. So yes, I think I was struggling, but no, I don’t think that was a bad thing. In fact, I think my struggle was kind of beautiful.

If something doesn’t go wrong, how do you know when it is right? The art of true appreciation and the gift of feeling genuine gratitude can be unearthed in those defining moments when you finally make sense of the pain. I’m tired of acting like suffering is a weakness. It is okay to hurt! (In fact, I wrote a whole post about that already.) The test of tribulation is what forms us and shapes us and allows us to say, “I think I like who I am becoming.” But only if that test is faced with determination, hope, courage. The struggle, the breakdown, is able to take over when we give in to despair and wallow in the what-would-have-been’s. Don’t let that be you. Be brave.

I’m talking a lot about what I have learned from previous problems but none of this would be relevant if I wasn’t struggling now. And I am, I can admit that. I’m not afraid to push through this breakdown and build myself up higher than before. After all, I live in Pikeville now, the city that moves mountains. The history of this town is fitting as I continuously work on making a life here. Where else would I get to enjoy a tire blow out competition to wrap up Muscle on Main on a Friday night? Or drive by a woman on the side of the road with a sign that reads “pot belly pigs” and a crate full of them in front of her to prove it? Or be greeted by decorated bears at every corner? (A park ranger bear helped me at City Hall and this here Friend of Coal, I couldn’t pass up.) Or have a majestic view of the great state of Kentucky from atop a mountain in Virginia? I can’t think of anywhere else that I would be able to try all of these things, build a future, and be this happy struggling to do it.

 

Behind in Life

I’ve been wanting to blog for awhile now but work is so AMAZING that it feels like I don’t have time. (This really isn’t true since I just finished season 1 of One Tree Hill this past week. Ugh, Netflix.) I’m just getting used to starting my life here in Pikeville. I’ve been pushing myself to meet people and maybe go out of my way to put forth more effort to hear someone’s story. I love the students that I work with! They have the biggest personalities and the way they work with incoming freshman and their families – even bigger hearts. I am so proud to know them!

While I’m still living on campus and have more than my fair share of crazy stories to go along with it (I got hit by a car while sitting in my lawn chair outside! And I use a cooler as a refrigerator. You know, normal life.) I am pleased to announce that I signed a lease on an apartment in town. I won’t be moving in until mid-July but it’s a relief to know that I have a place to call my own here. It is a spacious two-bedroom with a back patio and some private lawn area as well. There is also a washer/dryer hook up in the kitchen – maybe a little odd – but it will be so nice having a place to do laundry without carting it all around town like I am doing now. I was panicked for a little bit so thank you to everyone who prayed I’d find the perfect place. My landlord is 85 years old and has enough stories to fill two lifetimes. I like listening to him and think I’ll be very happy there.

I tweeted the other day about how I ironed my dress with a hair straightener, ate Easy Mac for dinner, and still live in a residence hall. At the time I was cracking up about it but later it made me think about my life and where I am in the process of “growing up.” Lots of my friends are in serious relationships, getting married, maybe even thinking about starting families – if they don’t have babies already! Sprinkling salt and pepper on my macaroni and cheese in a microwavable cup I had a moment where I felt so far behind. I felt not adult enough or mature enough or put together enough. (I wonder if some of this comes from starting a new job, being a new employee, and let’s face it, being a YOUNG professional.) I didn’t really know what to do with this feeling until I talked to a friend today.

First, I have a job career I am crazy about. They prepare you all through grad school that you might not get your dream job right away but most days I feel like I am living in a dream. I am so lucky! Which brings me to my second point, I spent two years earning a Master’s degree! What an accomplishment! I need to give myself more credit for how hard I worked to get to where I am. If I had never taken the internship at UPIKE last summer I would not be here now. Which reminds me of my friend’s point… I’m getting to it… I asked him if he ever felt like I was feeling – behind on growing up, like I was going to miss my chance. He asked me to think back a year and pay attention to all the things that are different about myself and my life. All I could think was that even though I was living in the exact same city last year at this time so much has changed since then. He reminded me that every year from now on things will continue to change and I will change with them. It doesn’t mean I am behind, it just means I am on my own path. I happen to think I am pretty awesome and I love who I am, but I really believe I am a better version of myself than I was a year ago.

While out on my own path every day I have the opportunity to become who I want to be. What a liberating feeling this is! I am creating a life and a world custom designed around me and my needs, full of people who care, and devoid of people who don’t. Right now I am working hard on learning my new role and figuring out a new university. Every day I choose to learn. Another perfect example: Every night I think that I should start working out or eating healthier (although when all you have is a microwave to cook with, it isn’t easy!) but I always make excuses (see what I did up there with the microwave?). Excuses are just that – excuses. They are me taking a day I have to make a change, to be different, to make this year worth it, and wasting it. I guess it comes down to, when I look back on this a year from now, what choice will I have hoped I made? And not just about exercising either – I'm talking about living! Truly living.