The Best Damn Life

I was up very late or very early last night/morning depending on how you look at it. I leave for a conference in Las Vegas for my spring break in a few days and had some work I wanted to get done. I pulled my first semi-all-nighter since undergrad! I was writing a reflection paper for my final portfolio that I need for graduation. I did lots of thinking about the past two years and my own personal growth and development which led me to reflect on years prior to this adventure too.

I don’t talk about something that happened a long time ago much anymore and I’m fairly certain I have never blogged about it. It doesn’t mean I don’t ever think about it but it’s not the dwelling kind of thinking that consumes me every second of every day anymore. No, it’s a kind of pain you learn to live with. It becomes normal and natural and a part of you. Every once in awhile it will be sharp – a reminder to not forget, to not get too comfortable. Mostly though, it doesn’t weigh me down, in fact, these memories can make me smile and lift me up. Thank you to my friends who have been around on the rough days. Who listen even when they have no idea what to say. Who smile along when I make a distasteful joke about death. Who know exactly what I mean when I say, “only the good die young.”

My freshman year of college I lost my best friend to a tragic airplane accident. He was what I considered my everything, my best friend, partner in crime, keeper of my secrets, the love of my life. Looking back now there are so many blessings that were sprinkled along the path up until the day he died. So many moments where God was preparing me for what was about to happen. He gave Evan the words to say that will be forever engrained in my heart. Specifically, Evan said to me a few weeks before the accident, “If I die you better live the best damn life you possibly can because you would be living for two people, not just one.” It was that line, that memory of sitting shot gun as we drove under the stop lights near the railroad tracks heading towards Walton on US 27, that has kept me going even on days I wanted to give up.

This was the last sentence I typed before I decided it was time to wrap up last night. “I never want to be finished with this journey because I am having way too much fun making the best of it!” As I reread it I treasured the moment I was having. I could feel Evan. I knew in that moment I had done right by him. I knew I followed his advice and he was looking over me. I’ve heard that people get a little crazy without enough sleep and at this point I had been up for 22 hours straight. I might have been seeing things or imagining them but in my gut, even now, I can recognize his presence. It doesn’t happen often but it happens when I need it to and he was with me last night. He still makes me brave and gives me faith. I’m a little surprised that I am sharing this with all of you because so much of my healing journey through his lost was personal, as all grief is. I guess I feel it’s important to remember how lucky and beautiful our small and wild lives are. I also hope that you, readers, understand that anyone who comes into your life will serve a purpose and you in turn are entering other's lives serving them as well. We are all connected in some way. The universe knows. It may not make sense at the time but one day when you piece together all the tiny details there was a plan there all along. Perhaps even the purpose in Evan’s life was to influence me to do amazing things with mine. I plan on living the best damn life that I can.

Evan and I celebrating our birthday's (16 and 20) with ice cream sundae's! Some things never change.

Modern Chaos

Over winter break I was able to spend some time in our national capitol doing some pretty wonderful things with my family. One of our short trips in between events was to the National Gallery of Art. I was mesmerized by some of the displays they had. My parents wanted to focus on the classics from a long time ago – you know the famous Monet paintings or Michelangelo sculptures. But when I walked into the modern and contemporary art gallery I had a sense of energy and inspiration. I felt connected to the art. I couldn’t stop staring. I wanted to run my fingers along the paintings so badly! They called to me. (My family did their fair share of calling to try to get me to leave too!) 

My family on the super cool walkway after putting up with me for so long.

My brother looked at something next to me and said, “That looks like something a 2 year old could do.” And really, he had a point, it was a bunch of colored paint splattered on a canvas. But I came to the defense of the artist and said in response, “I’d like to see you try to do it.” When it comes to recreating art, I just think it is impossible. That piece of art is a design, a concept, a creation, internalized, felt, and made by the artist. Even the artist probably couldn’t recreate it. It’s a little bit like life. You can’t recreate your life but you can keep going and create it. It’s never too late to design something beautiful. Everyone has their own type of chaos they are living with. To me, modern art is a way to express that chaos and see the beauty in it.

I can't even imagine how this was accomplished. So much paint!

This is chaos.

I hope to do something like this next time I paint pottery!

It’s common to think of chaos as a negative thing. But it all depends on your perspective. This world was created out of chaos (depending on which school of thought you believe, but still, you get my point). If I didn’t have chaos in my life I think I would be bored! Just like the lines, shapes, and colors of the art gave me energy the differences, challenges, people, and moments of life give me energy as well. There is power in that energy. Power to reach goals and accomplishments. Power to make a difference, make a change. There is also the leeway to make meaning however you want to interpret modern art. It’s not just how the artist envisioned it but the involvement of the viewer adds a new dimension. As we all know, from many previous blog posts, I am making meaning out of my life every day. I am so thankful to the artists who inspired me while on my trip to DC and even more thankful to be able to share my thoughts will all of you.

Time

I have lots of great ideas about what to blog about but after last week and the two already painful days of this week I have to scratch all the great ideas and talk about what is on my mind and that is…. Time. I could talk about how I know I’ll meet someone perfect for me when I am in the right place at the right time. Or I could talk about how I came to the place I am in my life – all the tiny moments in time that led up to right now. Or I could go a completely different route and talk about my future and how I don’t know what time will bring me. I do plan to talk about all of these things at some point but tonight I want to touch on the restrictions of time.

I feel like I am being strangled. Every reading I have to do, every paper I have to write, every load of laundry that needs to be washed, every drive to campus, every student appointment, every, every, every! I add up every minute each of these things will take and I am always coming up short of time. Or I underestimate how long something will take and become behind on my to-do list (which is never ending). It’s like I’m drowning in responsibilities and each time I accomplish something I get a breath of fresh air but then I get pulled under again. I know I am being cynical. I’m not complaining about anything I have to do. I enjoy it all. I want to be doing what I am doing – never doubt that – but I just wish time could freeze until I could catch up a little bit.

I try to use my weekends to catch up and spend most Saturday’s in the library but I need to relax too! I need to be social and visit with friends and make the most of beautiful Virginia and watch the Bachelor on Monday’s with the girls. Yes, I need to do these things too! I’ve been trying to stick with our healthy living plan for the new year and still make it to the gym. Then there is cooking dinner and packing lunch. Health is important but it takes time too!

I am realizing that I have limitations. I can’t just keep pushing and pushing and pushing and except to come out perfect and shining at the end. There are going to be bumps and bruises along the way. Nothing worth it in life comes easy. Right now I’m just taking a little tumble with time. None of this means I’m not happy or I’m not having fun but I certainly am being challenged. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to how I spend my time and I need to continue keep fighting the good fight.

Everything will be alright in the end and if it's not alright it's not the end. I'm am looking towards that light at the end of the tunnel! I just gotta get the lock down on the clock!