The Best Damn Life

I was up very late or very early last night/morning depending on how you look at it. I leave for a conference in Las Vegas for my spring break in a few days and had some work I wanted to get done. I pulled my first semi-all-nighter since undergrad! I was writing a reflection paper for my final portfolio that I need for graduation. I did lots of thinking about the past two years and my own personal growth and development which led me to reflect on years prior to this adventure too.

I don’t talk about something that happened a long time ago much anymore and I’m fairly certain I have never blogged about it. It doesn’t mean I don’t ever think about it but it’s not the dwelling kind of thinking that consumes me every second of every day anymore. No, it’s a kind of pain you learn to live with. It becomes normal and natural and a part of you. Every once in awhile it will be sharp – a reminder to not forget, to not get too comfortable. Mostly though, it doesn’t weigh me down, in fact, these memories can make me smile and lift me up. Thank you to my friends who have been around on the rough days. Who listen even when they have no idea what to say. Who smile along when I make a distasteful joke about death. Who know exactly what I mean when I say, “only the good die young.”

My freshman year of college I lost my best friend to a tragic airplane accident. He was what I considered my everything, my best friend, partner in crime, keeper of my secrets, the love of my life. Looking back now there are so many blessings that were sprinkled along the path up until the day he died. So many moments where God was preparing me for what was about to happen. He gave Evan the words to say that will be forever engrained in my heart. Specifically, Evan said to me a few weeks before the accident, “If I die you better live the best damn life you possibly can because you would be living for two people, not just one.” It was that line, that memory of sitting shot gun as we drove under the stop lights near the railroad tracks heading towards Walton on US 27, that has kept me going even on days I wanted to give up.

This was the last sentence I typed before I decided it was time to wrap up last night. “I never want to be finished with this journey because I am having way too much fun making the best of it!” As I reread it I treasured the moment I was having. I could feel Evan. I knew in that moment I had done right by him. I knew I followed his advice and he was looking over me. I’ve heard that people get a little crazy without enough sleep and at this point I had been up for 22 hours straight. I might have been seeing things or imagining them but in my gut, even now, I can recognize his presence. It doesn’t happen often but it happens when I need it to and he was with me last night. He still makes me brave and gives me faith. I’m a little surprised that I am sharing this with all of you because so much of my healing journey through his lost was personal, as all grief is. I guess I feel it’s important to remember how lucky and beautiful our small and wild lives are. I also hope that you, readers, understand that anyone who comes into your life will serve a purpose and you in turn are entering other's lives serving them as well. We are all connected in some way. The universe knows. It may not make sense at the time but one day when you piece together all the tiny details there was a plan there all along. Perhaps even the purpose in Evan’s life was to influence me to do amazing things with mine. I plan on living the best damn life that I can.

Evan and I celebrating our birthday's (16 and 20) with ice cream sundae's! Some things never change.