SMILE

This morning I  have a few minutes to kill before going to church. You know, that awkward time when you are already dressed and ready but there isn't really enough time to make breakfast or start an assignment and nothing is on TV at this time of day. So here I am - blogging.

I met a guy at a bar once who gave me a super hateful look. I was not about to give him the time of day, except to complain to my friends about what could I have possibly done to make him dislike me without even knowing me! Rude! Then I saw him smile. When my parents warned me about charming boys this is exactly who they were talking about. His smile was gorgeous. My whole perception of him changed in an instant as soon as he showed off those pearly whites. A simple smile has that much power. This brings me to my realization for this morning: my smile is also my best accessory. Your expressions can tell others so much about you. Why not start off with a smile? (Yes, I still think that hateful look he gave me was weird!)

Since my allergic sensitive skin reaction I have been cutting out lots of cosmetic products, specifically make up. At first I felt so naked and ugly without it and I still don't feel as polished as I would like to but when I look in the mirror and smile - I feel pretty okay about myself. I believe my smile really shows off the happiness for life I feel inside. And that is what should really matter, correct? Since my smile is the way I express to others the joy I feel (although, it can express so much more than that in different contexts) I thought it was fitting to end with some quotes on happiness. I saw my friends posting about this recently, maybe it's what got me thinking about smiles to begin with.

Kelly threw this little gem out there..
It is not in the pursuit of happiness that we find fulfillment, it is in the happiness of pursuit. -Denis Waitley

Aimee got me thinking with this..
The happiest people are those who have stopped chasing happiness and instead search for meaningfulness. -my textbook

When co-teaching class this week a wise woman said..
Happiness is a product, not a place. It is found in the journey, not in the destination.

I am in the pursuit of meaningfulness on my journey of life and I find something to smile about around every turn. The world will never wonder if I am happy or not. My smile says it all.

A hot relaxed mess

I have been wanting to post a blog to keep up with the habit but I usually write when I feel really moved or inspired about a topic or feeling. I have a whole list of things that have hit me that I want to write about but I just haven’t had the spark that lights my fire to write. Today, I thought if I just start writing – the words will come. They are all a part of me anyway. A part of me that I share with you.

I’ve got it. This post is a pep talk. I think I am getting sloppy. My mind is in too many places at once. I’m not focusing on the tasks I have right in front of me. My room is a mess. The kitchen is even worse! I think someone somewhere says that your home is a reflection of yourself. I hate that I am being represented this way but I think it’s what I am becoming! It’s even showing up on my face!! (Oh no, wait, that is just the sensitive skin reaction I got on my eyes over break that has lasted two weeks into the semester and spread to the rest of my face. I finally have some medicine that is clearing it up. Thank goodness! My dermatologist is a genius. Remember my leg problem? Basically, I’m allergic to all the soaps, lotions, and cosmetic products I’ve been using. I already am really careful about what products I use but I just had to order a new line of EXTRA hypoallergenic stuff. I have more sensitive skin than a red head! End side story.)

I’ve been noticing in myself how much more relaxed I have been over the past few months. I used to be so worried and uptight about everything! It was probably my biggest critique from my ex. That I liked plans too much and couldn’t relax and go with the flow. I’m pretty sure I started many fights with my itineraries or because we were lost or late or not being productive. It’s so funny thinking about it now because I feel like I am the relaxing free spirit among some of my friends and family. I very rarely stress out these days. I know what control I have and I know the universe guides my path. With those realizations combined I am falling perfectly into my hippie happy place. I’m learning how flexible I can be and how exciting it is when plans change. I wonder if because I was surrounded by so many easy going relaxed people before my uptight type-A personality came through to try to “help” them or at least keep them organized. Remove them and I have become available to the peace of only being responsible for myself. The plans I had for the rest of my life changed and when something that big happens you have to find a way to adapt. I’ve adapted by embracing changing plans and the flexibility that comes with it. The thought of moving almost anywhere in the country for a new job makes me feel so free and alive.

I like being relaxed. Don’t get me wrong. It was different at first, but I like it. I am so much healthier not stressing out! Even my breathing feels calm these days. But ya know what, if I am going to accomplish all the things I need to accomplish then I need a plan. I need to get my shit together and check things off my to-do list. I need to create a to-do list, for goodness sake! So from this moment on, I’m going back to keeping myself on a strict time table of productivity. This semester especially is important that I make progress (in my classes, with my final comprehensive portfolio, and job searching) because the rest of my career depends on it. At the same time I want to enjoy every minute with every person I care about in Harrisonburg before I have to move. If I am going to work more I’ll be socializing less. I don’t like that. What else could I give up? Working out? No, I am making too much progress there. Cooking? No, I need to eat. Sleeping? BINGO! Sleep is important but if I start my days waking up earlier I have more time to do the things I want to do. In life, you know something is important to you when you dedicate time to it. I think this means I need to stop spending so much time on social media…

NYE vs Prom

So last night was New Year’s Eve. It is one of the biggest built up holidays. Everyone is always scrambling to find plans for when the clock strikes midnight and the ball in New York City drops. And then what? What changes? It’s kind of always been a let down in my book. Then again, I spent the past three New Year’s Eve’s in a relationship where I was able to have a kiss (where no one died J) and start the year off looking forward to our journey together and that was pretty nice. You know what else is nice? Having a prom date. You plan out your evening to perfection. Rent a limo, buy flowers, have dinner reservations, match your outfits, dance together, take pictures… and it is freaking exhausting!! All that work just to feel special with one person. I had a lot of dates to dances and it always felt so important. My senior year I decided I was going to prom alone. Just me. I wore a super sexy dress, grabbed a ride with another couple, took pictures with more friends than I realized I had, danced until I was sweaty and sore, and had one of the happiest most care free nights of my life. Why didn’t I decided to go dateless sooner?!

Last night I wondered if New Year’s Eve is like that. When the pressure to have a good time with the right person is gone that is when you can really enjoy it. I went to a family friend’s party this year that I opted not to go to the past few years (I had other plans, remember). And let me tell you, I think this was one of the best New Year Eve’s I’ve ever had!! There was no cover charge, amazing live music by Troy Brooks (Check out his website here) and Kassie Jordan (Her website is here.) [Both are amazing! You know how I love local talent and rising stars. Obviously, I have both their CDs.], very good food provided by Brooks Meats (yum!!), an open bar, dancing, raffle prizes every couple of minutes (ranging from $1 to $100 and candy bowls to a trip to Gatlinburg), and lots of very loving and caring friends and families. I got to kiss the two people who care about me most in the world, my parents, as well as shoot them both with silly string. It does not get any better than that. Oh, but it does! My brother and I were singing duets as he played the guitar before I left for the party and my favorite song to have fun with is Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show. My dad requested the song from the band at the party and I was able to dance and sing in front of everyone. The anonymous request became pretty darn obvious as to who it was for. I was on cloud nine clapping to the beat and rocking along. As midnight approached, Kassie led us in a beautiful rendition of the National Anthem. I’ve never had a more moving and thankful-to-be-alive-right-here-right-now-in-this-country kind of moment than I did when the rest of the room joined in and we brought in the new year together. At that moment the ball became so much less important than our blessings.

I’ve never been one to have much of a negative attitude and even if some sad things happened in 2012 it wasn’t a bad year. In fact, I am grateful to have been able to be witness to so many amazing memories and learning experiences. I have no doubt that 2013 will rock me, like a wagon wheel, the wind and the rain, a southbound train, oh, I can’t wait for it to rock me. Bring it on, new year! Wishing all of you the positivity to tackle whatever God has planned for you in 2013 with grace, laugher, and love.

Happy Christmas Eve

So during this Christmas break home I should be working on job applications and my portfolio for graduation. I have a feeling I am going to have to schedule a weekly chunk of time next semester to get those things finished because I have done literally nothing so far. But that is because I have been having waaaaaayyy too much fun!!

I have been trying to go attend a Sundy Best show since I fell in love with them this summer. They regularly play in Lexington, KY but occasionally travel to other places. It seems like fate has been keeping from them for all these months but the stars aligned last week. Tracy and I were able to drive the short although windy and snowy hour long stretch to meet up with some friends and attend the show. I think it is safe to say that last Thursday was the absolute best Thursday I experienced in 2012. Gosh, was I a very happy girl! I sang at the top of my lungs, danced my way to the front of the stage, and smiled non-stop. My excitement level was through the roof and Sundy Best did not disappoint. I have linked some of my favorite songs right here for you to enjoy as well!

Sundy Best - Home (my favorite to listen to on my long drives)

Something else I have been doing is enjoying romantic Hallmark Christmas movies. No matter the time of day we can turn one on and people in our house get hooked… even though every plot is pretty much identical. I think over Thanksgiving break I made a wish so I could get some secret Santa Christmas magic in my life. (A quick disclaimer: I know having a man is not the most important thing in my life but if I am in the Hallmark spirit I just go along with it.) If I had some secret magic this is what would happen and my life would be like a Hallmark movie: First, I would meet a nice and good looking guy in a cute clever way. Perhaps even arguing about something or thinking he is giving me dirty looks and hates me for no reason. Next, we would run into each other again and be fairly surprised at how much we enjoy each other’s company. At some point he will reference a charitable act and my heart will melt. I am super impressed when he opens car doors for me and holds my hand as we cross the street. We share dessert (major points in my book!) and sit on the same side of the booth to watch other people karaoke. (In a real Hallmark movie someone would probably karaoke and be incredible at it, but since this is my story and I wouldn’t be incredible I am leaving that part out.) Afterwards as we walk along a beautiful path of Christmas lights twinkling and toy train displays a view of the gorgeous Cincinnati skyline appears, seemingly out of nowhere. As we are enjoying the scenery some reindeer wander out and begin grazing near us. (In my story it really should just be deer because reindeer do not live near me but reindeer are so much more magical!) The next step of a Hallmark movie is snow falling without anyone being cold and of course a kiss under the stars is soon to follow.

Maybe I know the Hallmark movie formula a little too well or maybe I am really caught up in the Christmas spirit or maybe I just had a really good first date? Wishing all of my friends, family, and followers  a very happy holiday hoping that it is spent with those you love. When you are happy with the gifts you have the magic is already there. I love you all. Merry Christmas!

Sundy Best - Drunk Right (the music video to this is holiday themed!)

Why wait? Create.

Tomorrow morning I leave for another trek back to Kentucky. I stayed in Virginia a few days longer than I really needed to because for the first time since moving here – here has felt more like home than home. Then again, I am very anxious to get back to family and friends in NKY too. I can tell the 14 days I’ll be back will really fly by! I have lots to keep me busy.

In the meantime, however, I had a few days of actual free time – that’s right – no papers, tests, projects, work responsibilities – real, honest-to-goodness-nothing-to-do-but-me time – I worked on some crafting projects I have accumulated in the apartment. It’s in these last two weeks that I have really found my safe place. When I am creating something it’s like I am in another world or dimension. I am so connected in that moment with my body and my mind. It brings me so much peace and relaxation to be working with my hands to create something from nothing. I love being able to look at a regular everyday object and after playing with it a couple hours it is something completely different.

I have been painting, sewing, metal working, sanding, designing, and just simply doing. My projects have such a wide range and I am realizing that I am gifted in more areas than I thought I was! All those years I was down on myself for not being athletic just seem so silly now. I do have hand eye coordination after all! It’s just applied in a different way. I have a difficult time when someone says that they aren’t creative, because to me, creativity comes so organically. It’s not something I think about, it’s just something that happens. The imperfections of the end product are really what make it so special anyway. I am never trying to “get it right” right just happens. (I bet that is how all those boys I dated felt about sports! Or video games. It came so naturally to them. Now I guess I have a better understanding and a new perspective when I reflect on natural talents.)

I don’t know how else to describe this newfound love except by calling it: crafting, working with my hands, or creating. I had a friend say to me today, “You’re in your element when you do, it’s kinda cool to watch!” And I completely feel what she meant there. Creating is where my flow happens. It’s become my therapy. (Not that counseling didn’t do wonders for me!) I talk to students at work about what their strengths are and if those strengths are activities they want to do 40-50 hours a week for a living or if those strengths are things that keep them centered and grounded in their life but they don’t want to do it all of the time. For me crafting is such a passion (It always has been, I just didn’t realize it until now. Always learning new things about myself!) but if I had to support myself this way I would be miserable. What I really love to do day to day is connect with my students and build relationships with colleagues. What I love to do in my free time is connect with myself and I do that through working with my hands. (Of course, I love when I can combine things every once in awhile and my girlfriends are all around doing their things too! And maybe wine is involved…)

While I could go on and on and connect this a step further to creating your own happiness and destiny, let me just leave you with some thoughts about creation that my supervisor passed on to me:

“Why wait? Create. We are creators. Just as God created us, he too gave us the power to create anything we want in our reality. Everything you’ve ever dreamed is waiting in the universe just for you. All you have to do is manifest it… that’s right, just make it happen… it’s low hanging fruit, such a wonderful and generous gift. The hitch is you must take the initiative… make the first move! So fear not and jump, it’s not as far as you think… remember the universe already knows… leap! Why wait? Create.”

And if you ever need someone to help you take that leap – I’m right here.

Shoe Box Memories

I started writing this blog post before I really knew the entire story (will we ever know?) of the elementary school shooting in Connecticut which happened this morning. I toyed with the idea of not posting because of the sadness and pain many are experiencing. I too am praying for all those affected today and those who will be affected for many years to come. These tragedies break our hearts and require us to search for the meaning and strength we need to put the pieces back together. I decided to still post today because the underlying message of this blog (even if I didn't realize the connection earlier) is that I am thankful to be alive. I can recognize, respect, and remember those whose lives have been lost whether through tragedy or natural death, today or any other day, by living with a purpose to serve others and make the world a better place. I'll never forget when a dear friend (and a representative of a shoe box in my closet) said to me, "If I die, you better live the best damn life you can because you will be living for two people, not just one." With that charge, I have to continue living, even among sadness and pain, because life is precious. With that being said, here is my blog post:

I’ve never been a new year’s resolution kind of girl. I just always kind of figured if you want to do something that badly then do it. Why wait? Well, I got an idea today and I am not waiting. I’m pretty psyched to create this new collection of memories. Okay – so let me explain. I had a teacher tell me a long time ago that I needed to stop worrying about a boy. (What practical advice for a 13 year old girl right?!) But then she followed it up with, “Put all of him that you have in a shoe box. Pictures, notes, ticket stubs, memories.  Shut the lid. Put it in the top of your closet and leave it alone. He doesn’t deserve all of your worrying anyway. Out of sight, out of mind.” Of course I argued and complained to her about how he might be “the one” and what if I gave up and blah blah blah… give me a break, I was young! She was able to calm me down by saying, “But if one day it comes time to take the lid off the shoe box you’ll know where you stand with him. You’ll still have all of those mementos and memories and time will have given you a chance to figure out what they mean. If they mean something, you’ll be able to treasure those gifts of the past but if they mean nothing, you’ll be able to smile at the thought and put the lid back on.” She got through to me that day and every day I had a break up since then. Up until this summer (so 4 years of high school, 4 years of college, and 1 year of grad school’s worth of ex-boyfriends to put that in context for you) had shoe boxes on the top shelf of my closet. A few boxes were opened and shut a couple times but really it became a chronicle of who I was during those years. I said up until this summer because in June I cleaned out my closet and threw out those silly memories that in all honesty, didn’t mean so much anymore. I don’t have any bad feelings towards anyone of the men I’ve dated and wish them all so much happiness but did I really need to keep those things anymore? No, no, I did not. (It sure was a riot going through the boxes with my family and remembering things from so long ago though. A few of the better/funnier mementos were combined and saved.)

Today I had a big shoe box (it actually had boots in it so it was really sturdy too) that I was about to throw away when I thought, “Wow, I wish I had a boyfriend so I could keep our memories in here.” And then I about wanted to smack myself! First, I wanted a boyfriend so I could get use out of a stupid box?! That is pretty wack, Emily. Second, why does collecting memories have to be about a boyfriend? Haven’t I made so many amazing memories in these last few months of being single? I can do things on my own and enjoy thinking back on that time just as much! So there you have it – my brilliant idea – I am starting a memory box for myself! When I need a place to put an article that really affected me then it can go in the box. Or a small smooth rock that my counseling professor gave me to represent my time in the class – in the box it goes! Quotes and pictures, cards and journal entries, prayers and lists, crafts and conference name tags, really anything that I want to save can be saved in this box and for once, the shoe box is all about me. I don’t have to worry about shutting the lid and not being loved anymore. I just have to worry about being fabulous and filling my life with adventures worth saving.

Also, this shoe box isn’t going in my closet. It’s sitting on top of my tall chest of drawers. Right out in the open! So many times I have used the metaphor of “putting it in the shoe box” to mean that I am not dealing with that emotion or I didn’t want to think about something upsetting. I don’t want to make excuses like that anymore (even though I know I still will try). This box needs to represent me being open to living in the present, open to making memories (not just remembering them), open to feelings and emotions, open to change and adventure. My heart is open and so is my shoe box. Now who wants to help me fill it up?

Finals Week: Round 11

This is my 11^th finals week in higher education. Some weeks were easier than others (and by easier, I really mean, less stressful). This next week for me won’t be too bad but what makes it difficult is when I see students struggling. The libraries at JMU are now open 24 hours a day. Students are camping out in/on/under desks and tables. They eat, drink, sleep, and try to absorb all the information they can before an exam from their central living station. They will leave all of their belongings on the table as they take said exam and then come back to prepare for the next one. So much of that sounds and feels miserable but I have a way of finding beauty in it. I love the shared experience finals week creates on a college campus. Everyone is determined and striving to do the best they can because they value education. When you tour a college and they say, “The best part of being here is getting to know people you would have never met anywhere else,” I now think of finals week. Use it as an opportunity to talk to someone new – you already go to the same school (that’s one thing you have in common) and you are living through the hell week of finals (there is the second thing you have in common). No matter how different you are from that point out you share something special together in that moment and that just might be the start of an awesome friendship or study buddy. When else in your life is it ever going to be socially acceptable to take a nap in the library? (Let’s hope your college degree will get you a job so you won’t be homeless sleeping in the library again one day.) Just enjoy the uniqueness of this very special week of your life.

That can be tough advice to swallow, I get that. You have too much on your mind to take a minute to enjoy it. Especially because if you don’t pass this certain class you might have to change your major and then what are you going to do for the rest of your life?! I’m getting into the second point I want to make in this posting now. What are you going to do for the rest of your life? Well, something else then. You’ll find it. It’ll work out. And not in the way that the puzzle pieces of life just lay perfectly together kind of way but a think about it, reflect on it, try hard, and make a new vision for yourself kind of way. My point is – It’s okay for your goals to change. Dreams change. It can be frightening when they do but you know better than anyone what your dream is and if it’s changing, embrace that.

I had a dream once of becoming a teacher. I wanted to be the type of teacher where grades don’t matter as long as you are learning something. I wanted to be the type of teacher that thinks every person deserves an equal chance at being educated. I wanted to fill students with pride as they discovered new words and ideas. I wanted to pass on knowledge as power. Because of this when it came time for me to write down a goal I knew exactly what I was going to challenge myself with. In the 8^th grade I volunteered for a week in the Appalachian Mountains doing work with the Christian Appalachian Project and my classmates. Years later, in college, I wanted to go back, but this time by myself for a summer. I wrote my goal down on a block of plywood complete with a deadline and challenges I would need to overcome and sealed the corners with my initials. And then I broke the board. With my bare hands and some careful aim I broke through my fears of the goal and split the board in half. Imagine a karate chop but a real life using the palm of my hand and sheer force rather than a swinging movement. In that moment I was so sure I would be able to hang that board up in one piece after I returned from my trip. I was so sure of my dream.

(Maybe it's a sign that I wasn't supposed to help teach literacy in Appalachia since I can't even spell it right.)

(It's funny that although my goal changed my fears remained the same when I moved to VA. Good news is - they aren't fears anymore!)

As time went on the things I enjoyed and dreamt about teaching became less realistic and a whole lot more painful. I was so unhappy in the work I was doing. I lost my spark (did I really even have one to being with?) and I could absolutely not find it in me to continue wanting to be the type of teacher I once dreamed of. But I kept holding on, I had set a goal after all and I didn’t want to be the one to give up. I had a mentor tell me that it wasn’t giving up, it was just changing directions. It took me a long time to be able to look at that board that I so bravely and confidently broke through and not feel guilty or unaccomplished because I didn’t reach what was on it. But my path had changed, my summer was spent discovering more about myself at an internship which eventually led me to my career in student affairs. I never volunteered for CAP again but I did work at a university representing the central Appalachian area. Now I am sharing this board proudly with all of you because every goal set, achieved or changed, has a story to tell about who you are. My story has just as much passion for education, learning, and acceptance as I wanted to have as a teacher except I am using it in a way that is right for me.

As you might be freaking out about exams or preparing for the holidays take a minute to think about your goals and help yourself understand that it isn’t failure if you don’t reach them, it might just be wisdom. What’s that phrase? Things only fall apart so better things can come together.