Shoe Box Memories

I started writing this blog post before I really knew the entire story (will we ever know?) of the elementary school shooting in Connecticut which happened this morning. I toyed with the idea of not posting because of the sadness and pain many are experiencing. I too am praying for all those affected today and those who will be affected for many years to come. These tragedies break our hearts and require us to search for the meaning and strength we need to put the pieces back together. I decided to still post today because the underlying message of this blog (even if I didn't realize the connection earlier) is that I am thankful to be alive. I can recognize, respect, and remember those whose lives have been lost whether through tragedy or natural death, today or any other day, by living with a purpose to serve others and make the world a better place. I'll never forget when a dear friend (and a representative of a shoe box in my closet) said to me, "If I die, you better live the best damn life you can because you will be living for two people, not just one." With that charge, I have to continue living, even among sadness and pain, because life is precious. With that being said, here is my blog post:

I’ve never been a new year’s resolution kind of girl. I just always kind of figured if you want to do something that badly then do it. Why wait? Well, I got an idea today and I am not waiting. I’m pretty psyched to create this new collection of memories. Okay – so let me explain. I had a teacher tell me a long time ago that I needed to stop worrying about a boy. (What practical advice for a 13 year old girl right?!) But then she followed it up with, “Put all of him that you have in a shoe box. Pictures, notes, ticket stubs, memories.  Shut the lid. Put it in the top of your closet and leave it alone. He doesn’t deserve all of your worrying anyway. Out of sight, out of mind.” Of course I argued and complained to her about how he might be “the one” and what if I gave up and blah blah blah… give me a break, I was young! She was able to calm me down by saying, “But if one day it comes time to take the lid off the shoe box you’ll know where you stand with him. You’ll still have all of those mementos and memories and time will have given you a chance to figure out what they mean. If they mean something, you’ll be able to treasure those gifts of the past but if they mean nothing, you’ll be able to smile at the thought and put the lid back on.” She got through to me that day and every day I had a break up since then. Up until this summer (so 4 years of high school, 4 years of college, and 1 year of grad school’s worth of ex-boyfriends to put that in context for you) had shoe boxes on the top shelf of my closet. A few boxes were opened and shut a couple times but really it became a chronicle of who I was during those years. I said up until this summer because in June I cleaned out my closet and threw out those silly memories that in all honesty, didn’t mean so much anymore. I don’t have any bad feelings towards anyone of the men I’ve dated and wish them all so much happiness but did I really need to keep those things anymore? No, no, I did not. (It sure was a riot going through the boxes with my family and remembering things from so long ago though. A few of the better/funnier mementos were combined and saved.)

Today I had a big shoe box (it actually had boots in it so it was really sturdy too) that I was about to throw away when I thought, “Wow, I wish I had a boyfriend so I could keep our memories in here.” And then I about wanted to smack myself! First, I wanted a boyfriend so I could get use out of a stupid box?! That is pretty wack, Emily. Second, why does collecting memories have to be about a boyfriend? Haven’t I made so many amazing memories in these last few months of being single? I can do things on my own and enjoy thinking back on that time just as much! So there you have it – my brilliant idea – I am starting a memory box for myself! When I need a place to put an article that really affected me then it can go in the box. Or a small smooth rock that my counseling professor gave me to represent my time in the class – in the box it goes! Quotes and pictures, cards and journal entries, prayers and lists, crafts and conference name tags, really anything that I want to save can be saved in this box and for once, the shoe box is all about me. I don’t have to worry about shutting the lid and not being loved anymore. I just have to worry about being fabulous and filling my life with adventures worth saving.

Also, this shoe box isn’t going in my closet. It’s sitting on top of my tall chest of drawers. Right out in the open! So many times I have used the metaphor of “putting it in the shoe box” to mean that I am not dealing with that emotion or I didn’t want to think about something upsetting. I don’t want to make excuses like that anymore (even though I know I still will try). This box needs to represent me being open to living in the present, open to making memories (not just remembering them), open to feelings and emotions, open to change and adventure. My heart is open and so is my shoe box. Now who wants to help me fill it up?