It's OK to be sad

My parents came to visit this weekend. We jammed packed their visit with as many Valley treats as possible. We fit in a full day of hiking in the Shenandoah National Park enjoying the beginning of the leaves changing, fresh fall scents, and silly photo shoots to show Ben what he was missing. We also got our Farmer’s Market fix – I’m going to try making spaghetti squash for the first time! We drove out to an apple orchard where we got some extremely fresh apples, a pumpkin, and did a hard cider tasting. Of course, we ate at wonderful downtown restaurants until we were stuffed. I loved having you both here!

In two of the TV shows I occasionally watch (Modern Family and Castle) there were scenes about daughters moving away to college this week. I cried both times – I can’t help it! It’s funny because I don’t remember a terrible moment of moving away to college. I’m sure I had one or two or three.. but they aren't as strong in my memory as some more current emotions. Watching my parents drive away from my apartment after such a great weekend I can relate to that lost and alone feeling that was so evident in the TV shows. All of a sudden my apartment feels much too big for me. It’s like all the joy that they filled my home with left with them. I know I’m being dramatic but it is really sad after they are gone.

I think the same thing happens with break-ups. No matter the reason for a relationship ending, it can be really sad to realize I am now on this life journey alone. Before I was a co-pilot reading the road map of life with a partner and now in the blink of an eye I have to steer, follow directions, change air filters, talk to police officers, and sing the harmony and melody parts with the radio ALONE! All by myself! But then, I started to figure it out. Before I knew it I realized I am actually pretty good at steering with my knee as I try to reprogram the GPS. I learned that the guys who work at Auto Zone don’t always want to screw me over – they actually enjoy helping if they can. All police officers (as I discovered) aren't out to give massive speeding tickets, they might really just want me to be safe. I started to figure out I can do it by myself. The sharpness of heartbreak still takes my breath away from time to time. Just like the emptiness after my parents leave can be so big when I dwell on it. But as my days begin to unfold and life moves me along not only have I realized I can survive this trip, I have learned I am not as alone as I thought. (And maybe one day, an eligible bachelor will be the one helping me at the Auto Zone.)

I think my point is: having these conflicting feelings is okay! Actually, it is normal. It is human. As happy as I am when my parents are here visiting I am still sad when they leave. That is perfectly okay. As happy as I was in my relationship I am allowed to grieve for the loss of having a co-pilot. (Maybe in the journey of life I've been upgraded to a solo pilot because someone out there knows I can handle it. I need to keep that same faith in myself.) I think the last few months I have been ignoring the sadness that can come with changes and I certainly haven’t wanted to blog about it! (Who wants to read a depressing monologue?!... If you do, pick up some Shakespeare.) I think I’m ready to start being honest about some of the feelings I've been left to deal with. I know I've said it before – it sucks! I’m talking about getting a little deeper than that though – my heart hurts.

Accepting that I feel sad about something doesn't mean I am not still grateful for my wonderful life, beautiful friends, promising opportunities, exciting adventures, good health, and positive attitude. I’m just tuning in a little more carefully to how it feels to be me. If you don’t like it, don’t read the blog. I have developed some fantastic skills to help me through this new realization. (The fact that I am considering “It’s okay to be sad” a new realization is a little bit funny to me. It seems like such an easy concept.) One of these skills is a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself. Come on, even I know, the single girl life can be pretty hilarious. So am I laughing or crying as I write this? Both. And you know what? Feeling that way is pretty damned normal!