Honest honesty.

Everyone says that honesty is one of their most valued characteristics in a partner, friend, coworker, supervisor, etc. Everyone says that they are a really honest person, honest worker, honest employee, etc. The question I pose today is: is that really true? Is honesty a quality you value? Do you show honesty in your everyday life? When you talk to friends, acquaintances, significant others, etc. are you honest? I bet your initial reaction is to shout out, “Are you honestly asking me this, Emily? Of course, I am honest!”

In my opinion I just think that how honest you are depends on your motivation. When your level of motivation outweighs your need to be honest then you just aren’t as truthful as you can be. Of course, every situation can be different but you know, dear reader, that I am going to pull in examples from my life. I think I learn things the best when I see and feel them and right now I have picked up on this theme so let’s explore…

I have a new friend who is so honest. He doesn’t have anything to gain or lose by being honest – he just is. And man, let me tell you, it is so refreshing! I never get nervous about asking him questions because I know he’ll tell me the straight up truth. All in all, honesty is a good look for him and I really appreciate it. However, he only has to be honest about himself. No one else’s feelings or perceptions are involved. I mean, I guess I could be judging him (which I would never do J) and he might shy away from telling me something because of that but I don’t think that’s the case. Regardless, this changes things a little when compared with another type of honesty – the type where someone else is involved.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “A truth that draws a tear is better than a lie that draws a smile?” The premise of this quote is what I am trying to get at. I want people to tell me the truth. Tell me the most gosh awful hurtful painful truth because I know that will be better in the end. Most break ups end with some form of a lie, I realize that, but if you really cared about the person at all wouldn’t you want to respect them enough to give them an honest answer? An answer that they deserve. Don’t tell me you want to stay friends if you don’t. Don’t tell me you’ll always be there for me when you won’t. Don’t tell me we might still have potential for a future if we don’t. Don’t tell me you want the best for me and then lie to me. Don’t do it. *end my short rant here* It doesn’t just have to do with breakups, friends feed into this I-don’t-want-to-hurt-you-but-I-know-what-I-have-to-say-sucks-so-I-am-not-going-to-say-it mentality too. I just think everything would be so much easier if I could know what I am working with right from the beginning and then use that information as power. Power to move on. Power to make decisions. Power to grieve and then be happy again.

When you were little someone probably told you to just rip the band aid off really fast all at once because it stings less that way. I am telling you right now, rip the truth. Just say what you mean, don’t make me guess and figure it out. Here is an analogy: this band aid was on for a purpose – to help heal a hurt. Leave the band aid on and when the time is right rip that sucker off and you should see a difference. It’s healed, it’s smaller, it’s better. There still might be some pain or you might need some antibiotic cream but you’re getting there – you are making progress. In another scenario you have a wound that won’t heal and no one liked you enough to give you a band aid so you keep picking at the scab. You pick and it bleeds and it grows back and you pick it again. It’s this cycle where you are hurting the entire time. And even after you think the wound has healed and the scab is gone there might be a scar. A constant reminder of a hurt of your past. An underlying sign that you aren’t the same. You were hurt for too long and that is what’s left. You’ll still live and you’ll still get through it and you’ll learn to ignore it but it could have been an easier process. My friends, let’s help each other make this already confusing complicated life a smoother journey for each other. Let’s tell the truth. Be brave and put all that value you say you have in honesty into the person you really need to be honest with. Don’t let your motivation for “not wanting to hurt someone” stop you from letting them heal – after all that is the best way to help them in the end.

You all realize that this is only my opinion. Share yours if you have one. Find a flaw in my theory? Be honest – point it out. What this realization about honesty means to me is that I need to continue working on being more honest. I think we all do. I need to be a little more assertive in my responses with friends and a little less passive aggressive. I want friends who support and challenge me. I hope I am on the path to growing into the same type of friend I’d like to have. And if I am not – tell me! I’ve heard it called serving the truth with love. That’s what I would like to do and have done to me – the cold hard truth wrapped in warm cozy love. Now if that isn't a nice thought on a chilly fall night, I don't know what is.