Beauty in the Breakdown

I was reading over some things that I journaled awhile go. In it I asked myself if I was struggling. This stemmed from the many quotes found mainly on Pinterest but really, anywhere. You might have heard the song, “Let Go,” (with the telling line “there is beauty in the breakdown”) or have seen the phrase, “The struggle is part of the story,” or perhaps even read the leadership book, “Strength in the Struggle.” I know I didn’t stumble upon a new feeling or come up with an original idea. People have hard times and become stronger because of them. People hurt but would go through all the pain again because those moments of joy in the journey are worth it. It’s difficult to see the logic in the moment though so quotes and songs and stories like these help us to push on. The right people remind us it’s okay to jump into that messy situation because in the end everything will be okay. (If you have time to reflect, listen to this song, or just let it play while you read.)

So my original question, am I struggling? At the time I had a very broken heart paired with a very resilient spirit. My poor mind had a difficult time figuring out where I fit between the two. Every day was a battle ping pong match going back and forth between grieving for what was and searching for what is. That isn’t even taking into account dreaming about what would be. So yes, I think I was struggling, but no, I don’t think that was a bad thing. In fact, I think my struggle was kind of beautiful.

If something doesn’t go wrong, how do you know when it is right? The art of true appreciation and the gift of feeling genuine gratitude can be unearthed in those defining moments when you finally make sense of the pain. I’m tired of acting like suffering is a weakness. It is okay to hurt! (In fact, I wrote a whole post about that already.) The test of tribulation is what forms us and shapes us and allows us to say, “I think I like who I am becoming.” But only if that test is faced with determination, hope, courage. The struggle, the breakdown, is able to take over when we give in to despair and wallow in the what-would-have-been’s. Don’t let that be you. Be brave.

I’m talking a lot about what I have learned from previous problems but none of this would be relevant if I wasn’t struggling now. And I am, I can admit that. I’m not afraid to push through this breakdown and build myself up higher than before. After all, I live in Pikeville now, the city that moves mountains. The history of this town is fitting as I continuously work on making a life here. Where else would I get to enjoy a tire blow out competition to wrap up Muscle on Main on a Friday night? Or drive by a woman on the side of the road with a sign that reads “pot belly pigs” and a crate full of them in front of her to prove it? Or be greeted by decorated bears at every corner? (A park ranger bear helped me at City Hall and this here Friend of Coal, I couldn’t pass up.) Or have a majestic view of the great state of Kentucky from atop a mountain in Virginia? I can’t think of anywhere else that I would be able to try all of these things, build a future, and be this happy struggling to do it.

 

Behind in Life

I’ve been wanting to blog for awhile now but work is so AMAZING that it feels like I don’t have time. (This really isn’t true since I just finished season 1 of One Tree Hill this past week. Ugh, Netflix.) I’m just getting used to starting my life here in Pikeville. I’ve been pushing myself to meet people and maybe go out of my way to put forth more effort to hear someone’s story. I love the students that I work with! They have the biggest personalities and the way they work with incoming freshman and their families – even bigger hearts. I am so proud to know them!

While I’m still living on campus and have more than my fair share of crazy stories to go along with it (I got hit by a car while sitting in my lawn chair outside! And I use a cooler as a refrigerator. You know, normal life.) I am pleased to announce that I signed a lease on an apartment in town. I won’t be moving in until mid-July but it’s a relief to know that I have a place to call my own here. It is a spacious two-bedroom with a back patio and some private lawn area as well. There is also a washer/dryer hook up in the kitchen – maybe a little odd – but it will be so nice having a place to do laundry without carting it all around town like I am doing now. I was panicked for a little bit so thank you to everyone who prayed I’d find the perfect place. My landlord is 85 years old and has enough stories to fill two lifetimes. I like listening to him and think I’ll be very happy there.

I tweeted the other day about how I ironed my dress with a hair straightener, ate Easy Mac for dinner, and still live in a residence hall. At the time I was cracking up about it but later it made me think about my life and where I am in the process of “growing up.” Lots of my friends are in serious relationships, getting married, maybe even thinking about starting families – if they don’t have babies already! Sprinkling salt and pepper on my macaroni and cheese in a microwavable cup I had a moment where I felt so far behind. I felt not adult enough or mature enough or put together enough. (I wonder if some of this comes from starting a new job, being a new employee, and let’s face it, being a YOUNG professional.) I didn’t really know what to do with this feeling until I talked to a friend today.

First, I have a job career I am crazy about. They prepare you all through grad school that you might not get your dream job right away but most days I feel like I am living in a dream. I am so lucky! Which brings me to my second point, I spent two years earning a Master’s degree! What an accomplishment! I need to give myself more credit for how hard I worked to get to where I am. If I had never taken the internship at UPIKE last summer I would not be here now. Which reminds me of my friend’s point… I’m getting to it… I asked him if he ever felt like I was feeling – behind on growing up, like I was going to miss my chance. He asked me to think back a year and pay attention to all the things that are different about myself and my life. All I could think was that even though I was living in the exact same city last year at this time so much has changed since then. He reminded me that every year from now on things will continue to change and I will change with them. It doesn’t mean I am behind, it just means I am on my own path. I happen to think I am pretty awesome and I love who I am, but I really believe I am a better version of myself than I was a year ago.

While out on my own path every day I have the opportunity to become who I want to be. What a liberating feeling this is! I am creating a life and a world custom designed around me and my needs, full of people who care, and devoid of people who don’t. Right now I am working hard on learning my new role and figuring out a new university. Every day I choose to learn. Another perfect example: Every night I think that I should start working out or eating healthier (although when all you have is a microwave to cook with, it isn’t easy!) but I always make excuses (see what I did up there with the microwave?). Excuses are just that – excuses. They are me taking a day I have to make a change, to be different, to make this year worth it, and wasting it. I guess it comes down to, when I look back on this a year from now, what choice will I have hoped I made? And not just about exercising either – I'm talking about living! Truly living.

Pikeville, KY

I haven’t quite been here a week yet and maybe living here last summer has made things familiar so it hasn’t set in but it is official. It has even changed on Facebook so you know it’s official! I have moved from JMU, the happiest place on earth, and my wonderful apartment in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia to…. you guessed it… Pikeville, Kentucky. I’ve jumped into a picture perfect new position at the University of Pikeville and am so excited to throw myself into work I believe is meaningful and life changing – for students and for myself. I would do what I do for free because I really love it that much – but money is nice to have and I feel so lucky that someone wants to pay me to live out my passion!

With that being said, there are some growing pains that come with changes. At first I thought it was just me but after thinking about it, every new phase in life is going to challenge you. Even if I am living out my dream job I am prepared for some of the difficulties that might come along with it. For example, right now I am living on campus in a renovated motel turned residence hall. I know how fortunate I am to have the amenities I do but I sure am looking forward to having my own apartment once again. And I really miss my neighbors and friends and roommate from where I lived before. It’s a bittersweet mixture of emotions. I’m embracing the different-ness that I’ve found here so far but Pikeville isn’t home in my heart yet. I know it will be one day. Harrisonburg didn’t become home until the friends I had there turned into family. Right now I don’t have friends or family here! They are 3 or 4.5 hours away though which is a very easy drive if I get too lonely. After I truly get settled I will be anxiously awaiting visitors!

I’m prepared to take risks to build relationships though because I know how worth it they can be.  If any of you remember the 30 seconds of courage I used last fall to introduce myself to two attractive graduate students you’ll be happy to know that both of them are now very dear and special friends. In fact, one of them recently wrote in a graduation card that by being brave and meeting new people “you never know who might just end up at your door.” It has been a huge comfort during the times I’ve put myself out there or at least while mentally preparing to put myself out there when a situation presents itself. I have never been as open to life without a plan as I am in this moment right now. I feel confident that as soon as I stop worrying about it life is going to happen.

As many times as I try to explain what I do, it’s still hard for people to understand sometimes. Especially when I get to go to work dressed in themed attire and hang out with the coolest people. The pictures below are from my first three days – Superhero, 1980s, and UPIKE Pride! I am looking forward to updating you on more of my unplanned and uncharted adventures! Stay tuned – I have a feeling my life is about to get real good.

And here are just a few rays of sunshine that I took when I stopped by NKY the weekend before I moved.

PS - I wanted to share this small victory with you all. My left brake light and my left front turn signal light in my car have both burnt out. 1) I hate driving with something wrong with my car and don't want to give the police a reason to pull me over. 2) When your blinker is out it goes extra fast on the inside of the car and it's annoying! So today I set out to change both those lights. I told the guy at AutoZone what I needed and went on my way. I set up my iPad with Ke$ha Pandora playing and popped the trunk and the hood and went to work. After a little fidgeting and pulling and twisting my hand into too small spaces (I have no idea how men with bigger hands do it!) I successfully changed both of the broken lights! Right as I slammed the hood shut "Die Young" began to play and I broke out into a dance right in the parking lot of the residence hall. I was so happy! A student caught me and shouted "Wow, I wish I was in a good mood too!" and I replied, "Heck yea, I'm in a good mood. I just replaced two lights on my own!" He ran over right away, high fived me, and said, "That and your dance is reason enough for me to be in a good mood too!" It's the little things :)

Love Potion #9

I used to have a theory on love that I spread around to some sorority sisters in college. It was actually a theory I came up with in high school, I just didn’t have a title for it until college. I expertly called it the “One Day Theory.” I believed that it was possible to have that one person that you were meant to spend the rest of your life with but that you and that one person just couldn’t be together for whatever reason right now – you needed one day to make it happen. In between now and one day you would date other people and learn about yourself, experience life along the way but the whole time you’d know it was all for one day. That one day when you could be together and everything would finally be perfect. It was like a movie – you know the film I’m talking about - a couple separates for 5 or more years but when they get back together their time is right and one day happens. I had a one day person once. I know friends who had one days too. I didn’t realize until now how cliché we were sitting around our dorm rooms, drawing hearts in notebooks (okay, that didn’t really happen but just to illustrate a point), crying and laughing about stories from the past and how that one day person might fit into our futures.

As time went on our one days weren’t getting any closer, in fact, for some of us, our one days weren’t even a possibility anymore. We held on to the theory for each other thinking if we believed hard enough our romantic fairy tales would come true. In the meantime we fell in and out of love with other sweethearts, experienced happiness and held each other through heartbreak. As we worked through other relationships I began to take note of common themes, remarks we kept going back to – you have all heard them before – “The timing was off. I was ready but he/she wasn’t. In another time or place it might have worked out. He/she seemed perfect but it just wasn’t meant to be… right now.”

This led to the creation of a new theory; I call it the “Some Day Theory.” (It is completely based on no scientific evidence or practices but feel free to quote me on it – or question it, I’d love to talk about it.) Having a some day person leaves the possibilities open to anyone! You aren’t waiting and set for that one person to fit into the one special place you have set aside. The Some Day Theory is all about there being thousands of “right” people for you out in the world. You never know who is right for you, in fact, there are endless possibilities of who is right for you. Woah, takes some pressure off of having to find “the one,” doesn’t it? So there is no right person, there are lots of right people. The thing that sets it all up to last a lifetime is the right place and the right time mixed with this right person. To make it work it all has to be there. It gets even more complicated when you realize that it just can’t be my right time and my right place but the other person’s as well. In my last relationship I truly believed he was the right person and we were in the right time and as soon as I moved back home we would be in the right place. For whatever his reasons were – I wasn’t the right person (or he didn’t feel that he was the right person) and even if I felt like it was my time, it wasn’t his. And let's not even get started on place!

Looking at some of my attempts at dating since then, fitting pieces of relationships into the pattern of “right person, right time, right place” has helped me understand why my Prince Charming hasn’t swept me off my feet just yet. Leave it to me to turn something completely based on feeling and emotion into something logical and practical. This takes away all of the questioning “What could I have done differently? What could have I done better? What is wrong with me?” Nothing, absolutely nothing, it just wasn’t the right some day material for both parties involved.

On the end of this note, I also feel I need to add a teeny tiny shout out to myself and many wonderful friends for graduating JMU with Master’s degrees! Yay! I treated my graduation day slightly like a wedding day for the single smart independent woman that I am! I got my nails done, practiced hairstyles in my cap, picked out the perfect dress, and had many loved ones surrounding me. I am so proud of this degree and can’t wait to put it to use. I’m so amazingly happy doing exactly what I was designed to be doing and my some day will come… one day. J

The Waiting Game

The worst part is laying down at night. For some people, climbing into bed is the best part of their evenings. They are tired and worn out and physically exhausted. They can’t wait to lay their head down and fall asleep. Other people don’t even need to climb into bed. They can close their eyes and dose off no matter where they are. Laying down and falling asleep are synonymous to them. Not me. No, not me. Laying down is when it all begins. In the dark and the quiet with the blankets pulled up to my chin, my pillow crooked under my arm and my sweatshirt held tight in my hand I lay down and wait. I wait for sleep to take over. I squeeze my eyes shut tight and clench my fists around fabric, waiting. When that doesn’t work I try to be as still and relaxed as possible. One might think I am buried under all my pillows but I loosen up my muscles so much I need the pillows to support my head in the right position. The right position for what? Waiting? What is it I am waiting for? Is there a protocol for this?

Calling it anxiety seems so medical, so scripted, so dramatic, so cliché. Let me explain the waiting instead. I hope sleep will take me before my thoughts creep in but lately, that hasn’t been possible. So I wait. I start to think of what my life might be like in a new city, making new friends, learning a new job. I start to think of how I might introduce myself to old friends and acquaintances if I come home for a visit. “Oh yes, well I moved to Virginia for graduate school and now I live in ____________. I work at a university there. What is it that you do?” The last question is important. I practice that over and over. I need to ask that to whoever I am talking to because I don’t have all the answers to explain what they might try to ask me. Do I like it? Am I happy? Where are my favorite places to eat? How has it been meeting people? Don’t you miss your family? Was it worth it to move away? How long have you been gone?

During the day I have all of the answers but at night I wait, tossing and turning, for the right words to come. I’m not a person who makes choices based on gut feelings very often but even if I could feel something maybe I could stop waiting. I start to remember what my life was like before. Before graduate school, sometimes before college even. I remember what it was like before I had a dream for my future. I think of the friends who I laughed with and where they might be now. I reminisce of old boyfriends, what our lives were like, and how they might be if we were still together. What if we had fought instead and I didn’t go away that day? What if I had ruined cutting his hair again, like he knew I would, and he brought me with him? What if I had said no? What if I had said yes? What if he ever even asked at all?

During the day I never wish my life to be any different than it is but as I wait the what ifs haunt me and I fall deeper and deeper into the trap of questioning who I am and where I have been and what I am doing. The good news is that I eventually fall so deep, so far into this other world I have created out of hopes and memories and fears and fate, that it finally happens. I fall asleep. I never remember it taking over. I never feel the peace of being at rest. I fall into my life-like nightmare and stay there until I wake up. In the morning I shake my head and wonder, “Did this really happen another night in a row?” and forget about it. I forget until that time comes again. I find myself avoiding my bedroom  and finding other things I need to do just one more time – pay a bill, check Facebook, wash a dish, get some water – but then I wait.

Not tonight. Tonight I pray.

Bucket List Bios

Those of you that know me know how much I love plans. Even right now I want to text a friend to find out our “plans.” However, I took a class last year that was very ambiguous. It took me awhile to catch on but what doesn’t challenge you, doesn’t change you. I prefer having plans but sometimes the best outcomes happen from no plans at all. I’ve been keeping a running tab of things I hope to do one day – my bucket list – also linked as a tab on the blog. I’m going to talk about two things I have recently checked off the list and both of them were planned unplanned adventures!

When: Wednesday afternoon àThursday morning

Where: Skipping graduate classes à Boone, North Carolina (4.5 hours away)

Who: my roommate, Shauna, Sundy Best, and new friends from Kentucky

What: spontaneous trip to see Sundy Best and Corey Smith perform a concert at Appalachian State University

Why: YOLO

The story: Now that the scene is set, Shauna and I took off, showed up, arrived at the bar, and realized that we were perhaps the oldest people in line to get in. There were lots of undergraduate college students around us, which we usually love, but not when we want to have a few beers and hear our favorite band (or when they are peeing outside on a truck – which happened.) 

Waiting to get in. The bar was BYOB check in style.

"Heaven must be a Kentucky kind of place" and "Kentucky kicks ass" shirts.

After we were in and settled I overheard someone at the bar say they were from Kentucky. I freaked out, introduced myself, and made some new friends. Shauna and I watched, loved, and sang along with every song Sundy Best performed. (The students around us had no clue who they were and we yelled at them over and over to just shut up and learn to love them.) 

Front row, far right.

After they finished and Corey Smith’s band was setting up we walked over to the merchandise table where our new Kentucky friends were and I said to them, “Can you introduce us to your other Kentucky friends?” And guess who we got to meet? Sundy Best! Kris and Nick! (Now you are probably thinking – wow, cool, that is great to check off your bucket list but noooo.. there is more!) After we chatted a bit, took some pictures, and chatted some more it clicked in Kris’ mind that Shauna and I drove almost 5 hours on a work night to watch them. That is when we both got big kisses on the cheek! And here is where I can cross “kiss a boy in a band” off my bucket list!! It was one of the best nights ever. After Corey Smith finished we hung out a little more and then finally drove around Boone to find late night food and a hotel. After sleeping only a few hours we made the trek back up to JMU where we had to rush into work and keep on keeping on! Thinking of the excitement from the night before is what kept me going all day!

Shauna, Sundy Best (Nick and Kris), and me!

When: That day in January that I ran a mile for the first time à early Saturday morning in April

Where: Planet Fitness gym à JMU’s campus

Who: my roommate, Shauna, other cohort friends, and 700 other racers

What: 5K race to support girls and women health and physical education

Why: It was a color run with a box of Girl Scout cookies at the end!

The story: There isn’t much to this story except that when it comes to physical activity I am a lazy ass. You might laugh but really – I have always led an active lifestyle with really high metabolism and haven’t ever worked up a habit of exercising regularly (except the two years in high school that Mom and I fell in love with Pilates). One semester I tried going to the gym with a friend every morning at 6AM or so and half the time I think he found me stretching sleeping on the yoga mats when it was time to leave. I do enough to be a fairly healthy person but certainly nothing extra for sure! This all changed in January when I joined a gym in Harrisonburg for pretty cheap and really didn’t know what else to do there so I jumped on a treadmill.

At this point I was only really concerned about getting the guy signing me up's phone number. Mission accomplished.

After a few trips I challenged myself to run a mile – something I had never done in my life. (Full disclosure, I somehow always lied got away with not running the complete mile in grade school or high school – even for the Presidential fitness test!) After a mile became a smoother trek I tried to knock my time down to under 10 minutes. Then I added more distance. I had never pushed myself so hard physically before. It was pretty awesome if I’m honest about it. Who would have ever thought I would say that?! Then I went on a gym hiatus. I was working on my portfolio and class and applying for jobs and work got busy. I just didn’t make time and needed to stay focused on other things. Excuses, excuses, I know. But it’s my life so whatever, that’s what happened.

A few weeks ago I was inspired by an email advertising a race and started back at the gym again. The seed of running a 5K was planted in my head. It was already on my bucket list but really I thought I had years to accomplish that. One night I was pretty fired up about something which is great fuel for the gym. I didn’t set out trying to run 3 miles but as I got closer I just kept going. Afterwards I thought, that’s it, I have to sign up! I’m on a roll! Over the next two weeks I had some muscle pain in my calves so I didn’t get out as often as I would have liked. In fact, I have only ran twice in that time frame but I was already signed up and determined. My goal was to take it easy but finish strong. I wanted to run this race, not walk it. Since I didn’t know what type of pain I would experience in my calves I decided 15 minute miles was a safe pace and wanted to finish the race in 45 minutes. After being blasted with red, purple, yellow, blue, and green every kilometer, I ran through that finish line so proud of myself. Get this – my time was a little over 30 minutes. SO PROUD! The end was made a little sweeter by being rewarded with a box of girl scout cookies…. And brunch at Billy Jack’s complete with a bloody Mary and my favorite breakfast sliders.

Jumping for joy with my CSPA little. Check out the mountains in the background. I get that view everyday.

No, things didn’t go as planned for me in the last few weeks but I accomplished something I never thought I would be able to do. I made memories that will never be able to be replaced. Life is unpredictable and ambiguous and that’s okay with me. I’ve been challenged and I’ve been changed. What have you done lately that has surprised you? What do you want to do?

Vegas Engagement!

Clearly, the title of this post is not what it sounds like. Keep reading - you'll understand. 

The semester is officially half way over. It seems like time has just flown by! Anytime someone tells me that in 6 short weeks I will have my Master’s degree I have this mixed sensation of excitement, terror, and dread. (Which I was so kindly reminded of again today.) I am so excited because I have worked so hard and I am ready to contribute to a field I love so much. I am in terror because I don’t have a job yet and I kinda want one of those to be able to contribute to the field. Lastly, I am full of dread because I can’t even imagine leaving the friendships I have made here. What I do is in Virginia. Who I love is in Harrisonburg. Where will I be without them? It’s just really sad to think about. HOWEVER, I completely believe in building and maintaining long distance friendships. You don’t have to see someone every day for them to be an important part of your life or even, your best friend. Just ask me and Tracy. In fact you don’t even have to talk every day. Sometimes your hearts just already knows.

Well, since I’m doing a little reminiscing about the semester I wanted to pick out some of the coolest things that have happened so far that I might not have mentioned in the blog. (Okay, so after I wrote all of this and added the pictures I decided to just leave it at two of the coolest things. I could recap every weekend if I wanted to but I don’t want to make anyone jealous with all of the library time and dancing at the Dodger I have been doing.)

A huge highlight of this semester was being asked to be in Maggie and Craig’s wedding. They got engaged over winter break on a cruise and along with some help from the cohort I threw them an engagement party soon after. We had super cute invitations (handmade by us!), amazing food, so many friends, and a fun game to learn about the bride and groom a little more. At the end of the game Maggie asked if she could say a few words and she starts talking about me! I immediately said, um, stop, this is your party! And she said, hold on! The rest was caught on video that I unsuccessfully tried to uploaded here. There is lots of me standing in shock but near the very end you can see my happy dance realization that we’re gonna have a wedding!! Pictures of the evening will have to suffice!

The Shoe Game

Very entertaining!

Some of the cohort with the bride-to-be

Me thinking she was giving me a signed picture frame? What?

So proud of her crafting! And proud to stand by her on her wedding day!

Family photo. Mom, Dad, and child. Typical.

 Another big deal was being able to fly to Las Vegas with some of my cohort loves for a national conference during spring break. We had a day of adventure in Philadelphia before we left, hilarious rough and tumble times in airport security, adjoined hotel rooms (that we enjoyed like little kids!), delicious food, lots of frozen drinks, slot machines and black jack tables, exploration of the Vegas strip, and good quality time connecting with, networking, learning from, and soaking in all the student affairs connections and information being shared from across the nation. SO MUCH FUN! Here are some pictures of the trip.

3 girls, 5 days, 7 bags

On the plane

Walking inside Paris (the casino/hotel)

All of the people at the conference!

Serendipity's Frozen Hot Chocolate 

Bellagio fountains at night

We made time for drinks and gambling! We HAD to!

Classic. How could I not post this?

Typical Vegas strip characters

Our last family (Greg, Maggie, Kelly, and I) meal - at the Bellagio